


Leash

by SaraWinters



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Bisexual Character. Marauders' Era, Coming Out, Denial, Drama, First War with Voldemort, Flirting, Friends to Lovers, Gay Male Character, Multi, Novella, Romance, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-09
Updated: 2010-03-10
Packaged: 2017-10-07 20:28:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 43,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/68934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraWinters/pseuds/SaraWinters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus knew it was only a matter of time before moving in with Sirius proved itself a bad idea. The problem was, he had no choice. He just had to make the situation work to his advantage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Living Conditions

_Two in the afternoon is too early on a Monday_, Remus thought. _Especially the first Monday after school's ended_. He sighed. _Especially if one wants to see Sirius Black._ Remus glanced at his watch again and then rang the doorbell for the third time. He squinted through the window next to the dark oak door, shading his eyes against the glare. After a few seconds of silence, Remus moved back to stand before the door and banged on it with his first. He shifted in place and felt his school trunk and luggage shift in his right trouser pocket.

Some morning he was having. One in the morning, he'd been roused from his bed by his father, screaming that he be packed and out of the house by week's end—in other words, before the next full moon. Remus couldn't blame his father for being a bit scared. After all, he hadn't been around his son at that time since he'd gone to Hogwarts. Dumbledore had been nice enough to stay with the young werewolf at school every summer and his friends had been allowed to join him for other holidays. But after he'd written to his parents and told them he was getting out of school, Remus thought they might have let him know he was unwelcome in a timely manner. Or, at least, not in the middle of the night in a drunken rage. Arabella had attempted to soften it, but she hadn't exactly refuted John Lupin's order. Not that her son had expected her to.

Rather than argue with the man himself, he'd immediately sent an urgent message through the Floo to Sirius, begging for a place to crash until he could find his own. Sirius had responded with a hastily scrawled message giving his permission. Remus liked to think it was genuine permission and not just the easy acquiescence of a friend still deep in his cups from the celebration that had begun Friday afternoon.

But here, on a sunlit stoop in the surprisingly quiet Muggle neighborhood Sirius now called home, Remus began to wonder if his friend remembered anything of their early morning exchange. And, if he did, if Sirius had come to regret it.

The door opened and a voice called from inside, "How long you been out there?"

Remus smiled into the darkness. Sirius sounded like he'd been gargling glass. "I rang your bell for at least ten minutes. I was hoping you'd outgrow sleeping like the dead one day."

The door opened wider and a long-fingered hand beckoned Remus into the gloom. "I unplugged the stupid bell after the cops rang it one time too many Saturday night." As Remus let his eyes adjust, he saw his friend was smiling.

The rest of Sirius appeared to match the state of his voice. He was wearing a fitted white t-shirt that was torn in several places and loose-fitting tan trousers that stood out against his pale skin. His spiky dark hair stood all over his head in messy clumps. Bags underlined both of his half-open and slightly bloodshot gray eyes.

Sirius closed the door. "Forget to set the bloody charms around the house. People from all over were complaining about the noise."

"Sounds like I missed something special," Remus said.

Sirius shrugged. He would be nonchalant about having a three day party. "Nothing you won't be around for yourself. If you decide to stay."

"I appreciate the offer," Remus began, "but I think it's best if this is temporary."

"If you're going to go into a spiel about how you hate being in my debt and whatever other rubbish you thought of on the way over, you can save it," Sirius said. "You're my friend, the house is paid for, and I'll welcome you as long as you want to stay." He glanced around himself. "And as long as you don't make too much of a mess."

Remus followed his friend's gaze. Between the whiskey bottles, a smell Remus didn't even attempt to identify and what looked like a small pile of animal bones in one corner, among other discarded trash, the foyer and parlor looked like a pack of teenagers had run wild in it over the course of a month, rather than a few days. Of course, Remus had no idea how Sirius had previously kept the house he'd bought himself for Christmas. If it was anything like the corner of the dorm his roommates had forced him to keep an odor-proof barrier around for seven years, Remus was sure he'd have no shortage of work cut out for himself if he decided to take on the task of keeping the place tidy. Even if he could use magic to scour the place clean.

"So, which part of this den of sin do I get to squat in?"

"It's not that bad," Sirius said. He turned away from Remus and began walking up the stairs. Remus caught up to him on the landing, where he'd paused to peel a used condom from his bare foot. He glanced at Remus out of the corner of his eye. "Not a word."

"I wasn't going to say anything."

"You're thinking it. Loudly." Sirius continued to his left down the hall, pausing every few steps to dodge the debris left by his weekend fun. "Here we are." He gestured to the second to last door. Tentatively, Remus reached for the doorknob, turned it and pushed the door in.

"Let me guess, you've never used this room."

"Lily said she'd refuse to let James come back if I didn't give him someplace sanitary to sleep when we set up the house over Easter," Sirius confirmed. "I guess I'll have to find another room for when he visits."

Remus nodded and walked inside. Sunlight shone in at an angle from a bay of windows along the wall across from the door. There was a large fireplace along another wall, doors leading to a closet and bathroom and a large four-poster bed dominating the center of the space. "I'm surprised she let him in the front door, from the looks of downstairs. And don't give me that rubbish about the party," he said, turning to face Sirius. "I doubt it's much cleaner on a normal day."

"And you're going to see that changes, I bet."

"Consider it my rent."

"I'll make sure you have plenty of chances to work it off," Sirius said.

Remus reached into his pocket and tossed his shrunken trunk and luggage onto the bed.

"Careful Moony, you might crinkle one of your shirts," Sirius remarked. "Come on, you can fuss about unpacking later. Let me show you the rest of the place."

In spite of the unholy mess and stench, the house was nice. It had taken Remus forty minutes—and a powerful scouring charm he'd once seen Professor Slughorn use on a failed Potions experiment—to get the house to reasonably decent living conditions. There were seven bedrooms, all with their own fireplaces, four bathrooms, high ceilings and hardwood floors, a large kitchen and parlor inside what looked like a normal two story house from the outside. Remus wasn't sure how it all worked, but somehow Sirius and James had managed to build an indoor pool and hot tub in the invisible third floor. The ceiling and walls were enchanted like the Great Hall ceiling at Hogwarts. Remus had been treated to a glorious mid-afternoon view of the full neighborhood below the hill. It gave him the feeling of being able to step off the edge and fall straight to the valley below.

"You should see the way girls react to this view," Sirius said. "When the stars are out, being up here makes you feel like you could reach up and touch the sky."

"If I didn't know your reason for building this, that might almost sound romantic," Remus responded.

"You don't think I could be romantic?"

"I've known you almost half our lives," Remus said. "I don't think you have a romantic bone in your body."

Sirius laughed shortly. "Maybe you're right. My bone isn't exactly built for one skirt at a time."

_But definitely built to get under the robes of nearly every attractive girl at school_, Remus thought. _The ones James didn't get to first_. It was just as well that Remus wasn't really into girls. He'd have hardly had the chance spending time with those two. To this day, he was surprised Peter had managed three girlfriends over the years, especially given that one of them had nursed a persistent crush on James. Remus, on the other hand, had happily stayed single the years they'd been at Hogwarts. There were a few snogs here and there, and a couple of colorful nights that disappeared from memory after he and the other boy had put their robes on again, but Remus had always maintained an ongoing fantasy about someone he couldn't have. The dark-haired young man next to him.

He knew the fantasies were ridiculous, but they felt utterly delicious. Remus had gone from imagining their first kiss in third year to joining Sirius in the shower, to showing him a few things with his mouth and hands the girls at Hogwarts couldn't imagine in their wildest fantasies. He wondered how drunk Sirius would have to be in order to—

"Moony?" Sirius waved a hand in front of his face and snapped his fingers. Remus turned to him.

"Sorry?"

"Where were you just now? Don't tell me you're as hypnotized by the view as the ladies?"

Remus shook his head. "Just thinking about the debauchery I might get up to while I'm here."

Sirius clapped him on the back. "I knew I was a good influence on you all these years. Let's get you downstairs so you can get a password to the Floo. Can't have you waking me up to get into the house anymore."

Remus nodded and waited for his friend to turn before following him down the stairs. His eyes remained resolutely on Sirius's arse in the loose-fitting trousers. Moving in was probably a bad idea, but he'd managed to control himself around Sirius for years. What could possibly happen in a few weeks?

* * *

  
Lily stood in the center of the parlor, moving in a circle. Remus could see her eyes skipping over every surface as she turned to his direction, looking for some flaw in the sparsely furnished room. Finally, she stopped and faced Sirius. A smile tilted her lips at the corners.

Sirius raised one eyebrow. "You approve, then?"

"Of having Remus as your housekeeper? Yes," she answered.

James laughed as Sirius immediately frowned.

"Don't get upset. You didn't expect me to believe you'd kept it this sterile on your own." Lily glanced at Remus over her shoulder. "Scourgify wasn't strong enough, was it?"

Remus shook his head. "Had to have three different spells to take care of the smell too."

"However it was done, the house meets with your approval, yes? So I can expect you to give James permission to go off his leash every once in a while?" Sirius asked.

"Thanks, Padfoot. I haven't been in the house a day and you already can't stand to be alone with me," Remus said. He punctuated the comment with a smile.

"Sorry, Moony," James said. "It's not my fault Sirius is in love with me. He can't stand to be away from me for more than a couple of days."

"That explains why you've left fleas at my house," Lily commented.

"Look, that was just the once—and why did you tell her that story anyway?" Sirius asked. He crossed his arms. "Some things are sacred."

"You running around Hogsmeade starkers because you were too drunk to remember how to change into your Animagus form is _sacred_?" James laughed. "You're lucky we found you asleep behind the Hog's Head or McGonagall would've given you enough detentions that your kids would've had to polish everything in the trophy room twice over."

"Merlin's sake! First insult my housekeeping, then jinx me with offspring?" Sirius scowled. "I ought to kick the both of you out now."

"You wouldn't dare." Lily turned to face Sirius fully, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Oh, I wouldn't, would I?" Sirius pulled his wand from behind his back and aimed it at Lily. "I could try something a little more fun with that pretty face of yours if leaving doesn't suit you."

"Drop your wand or I'll do something that'll give you flashbacks for the rest of your life. I ought to do it anyway just for the threat."

The arguing twosome both turned in surprise as Remus pulled out his wand and trained it on Sirius.

"I was just joking, mate. You know that." Sirius looked at him through narrowed eyes as he lowered his wand. "Though I am curious what you could do to me that would have that affect."

"I think you should do whatever it is anyway," James said. "It sounds like something we might've gotten expelled for."

"As if you weren't in danger of that every other week anyway," Lily said. She smiled at Remus. "Care to let us in on how you intend to punish Sirius? I'm sure you'll have to at some point."

_Punish him? I don't know if I'd call it punishment, but there are things I'd do to him that would make him blush just remembering._ Remus held back a smile.

"I'm going to tie him up. That's all, I swear. You know he hates being restrained." That wasn't all, but he was hardly going to let James and Lily know that. Though, from the expression on Lily's face, she probably suspected more. Smart girl, that one. Lily smiled as if they shared a secret and then turned back to Sirius and James.

"Well, as much as I've enjoyed threats of violence and stories of your misdeeds, it's time for James and I to go. We promised Peter we'd visit him at his new job and I think Quality Quidditch Supplies closes in about twenty minutes."

"I'd say I'm going to miss your company, but you'd hate for me to lie," Sirius remarked.

James turned to him. "Padfoot, we talked about this."

"I know, I know. We will all learn to get along like one big dysfunctional family." He smiled. "First step towards that, you're invited over for dinner tomorrow night, along with Wormtail. Remus is cooking."

"I am?"

"Sounds doable," Lily said. She glanced at her watch. "We really should be going."

"That settles it then," James said. He walked over and clapped a hand to Remus's shoulder. "You can have him all to yourself again," he said as Lily walked to stand before the fireplace. "Just make sure you set the charms around the house before he starts screaming." He smiled at Sirius. "You kids play safe now."

Sirius nodded but said nothing until after James and his girlfriend had left. Then he turned to Remus, a frown marring his handsome features.

"You threatened me. Over Lily."

Remus rolled his eyes. "It's not that big a deal. You claim you were kidding. And if you remember, the last time you got into it with her, James didn't talk to you for three days. I can't live with you if you're going to be cranky like you were then."

"Maybe you're right," he conceded after a few moments. "But you will admit she was giving as good as she got?"

"James says she always does."

After a few seconds of silence, they both erupted into laughter.

"There's an image I don't really need," Sirius remarked. "Lily Evans in heat. I prefer not to imagine whatever sordid things she's done to make James smile these past few months." Sirius crossed his arms and eyed his new roommate. "Though I'm starting to wonder if you wouldn't give her a run for her money in the sordid department. Just what were you planning to do once you had me tied up?"

Remus felt his face warm as several scenarios presented themselves in his thoughts. "It's probably best if I don't tell you. You could adapt yourself to it and then we'd have nothing to help control that temper of yours." Remus began to walk towards the foyer. "Then again," he said over his shoulder, "there's also the danger that you'd like whatever I do to you. I imagine you've been wondering about it for a few years now. That thought should keep you in line."

Remus walked quickly through the doorway and sprinted up the stairs, wondering at his uncharacteristic audacity. He'd pretty much told Sirius he wanted to have his way with him, but hadn't the nerve to stick around and see his friend's reaction. He hadn't even been brave enough to see the expression on his face. Maybe Sirius would chalk it up to more of the trash talk of the night—something he would forget about the moment Remus left the room. The trouble was, Remus wasn't sure he wanted him to forget it. Especially since he knew he'd be up all night, thinking about the possibilities.


	2. Chapter 2

There were several ways Remus had imagined he might wake up his first morning in Sirius Black's house. Downstairs in the parlor, laid out on the floor, surrounded by the drunk hangers-on who seemed to follow Sirius to every party they'd attended during school. Perhaps in bed with Sirius himself, feeling slightly guilty for slipping his friend several potions and then having his way with him. In spite of the impossibility of that last thought, it was still fun to imagine. What Remus hadn't expected to greet him bright and early on a Tuesday morning was the booming voice of Sirius Black, singing a tuneless rendition of "Coconut," alternating the verses in a low bass and falsetto.

"Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take? I say, _DOCTOR_, to relieve this belly ache?"

Remus groaned. He didn't know what time it was, but if Sirius was up, it was most likely early afternoon. Which meant he was already behind in searching for a job. He'd have enough of a problem finding an employer who wasn't scared of him because of his Lycanthropy, but Remus knew he stood an even smaller chance of employment if he strolled in mid-afternoon, expecting to show a shop owner how dedicated he would be to his job twenty-eight days of the month.

"I say, Doctor, doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take? I say, Doctor, dooooctor, to relieve this belly ache?" Remus pictured Sirius miming playing the drums as he sang "doctor" that last time. "Put the lime in the coconut, drink 'em both together. Put the lime in the coconut, then you feel better!"

Remus cringed as the voice rang throughout his room in a shrill crescendo. He sat up, swung his legs over the side of the bed and was on his feet and across the room in seconds. As he wrenched the door open, the singing grew louder. Remus peeked into the hall. Sirius had just opened his door at the end of the hall and was coming through the doorway, still screeching at the top of his lungs and swaying his hips in an accompanying dance.

Remus cleared his throat. "Padfoot!"

Sirius stopped abruptly and turned to his friend, a wide grin splitting his face. "Wow. Hello."

_Wow, indeed_, Remus thought.

Sirius let his eyes drift over Remus from his uncombed hair down to his bare feet. Remus felt a chill as the narrowed eyes traced over him. "You're uh…shirtless." He said this as if the idea of someone without an item of clothing was a foreign concept. Funny, coming from him. Sirius licked his lips and smiled again; a dimple winked deep in his left cheek. "You're actually quite fit," he said with some surprise. "I didn't realize you looked like…"

"Like someone normal when I'm not all furry and growling?" The staring was unnerving, and the way Sirius was smiling was confusing at best. The last bloke to look at Remus like that had ended up in bed with him two hours later, calling out for Merlin, Circe and a host of gods he could scarcely distinguish. It was close, but Sirius wasn't looking at him quite the same way. More as if he'd discovered a new dessert under his roof and hadn't quite decided if it was his flavor. Promising? Perhaps. But it was thoughts like this Remus knew would get him in trouble if he ever gave them real consideration.

"Something along those lines," Sirius said. His eyes dropped again and his smile relaxed into his usual smirk. "You've been working out."

"Glad you noticed. And you're…" Remus looked down briefly, returned the smile and forced his eyes back to Sirius's face. He tried his best to think of something besides the obvious, but with Sirius, one usually had to state things plainly. "You're naked."

_And, thankfully, no longer dancing,_ Remus thought.

"Well, it is my house."

"Yes, but I might've thought you'd be a little more reserved with a roommate. You…" He gave in to temptation and looked down again. He had to distract himself. His mind raced. Remus wondered what was in the kitchen. He felt a sudden craving for meat. Sausage. His face grew warm. The word craving was a bit of an understatement. This growing feeling was more of a sudden ravenous hunger. Sirius cleared his throat and Remus raised his eyes to his friend's face again. Sirius's smile had widened. "You seem quite _happy_ to be naked."

Sirius winked. "Yes, well, I'm always up early. Creature of habit. Can't seem to start the day without a nice, relaxing—"

"I get the picture," Remus said. So clearly, in fact, he now realized why Sirius used to sing that same annoying "Coconut" song in the shower in the mornings. And why he'd had to sing it at least three times every morning, cutting the time his roommates had to get ready for class if they didn't manage to shower before him.

"Only if you're lucky," Sirius responded. "What are you up to today?"

_Does he really expect to have an entire conversation like this? Him naked and mighty "happy" and me trying not to split the seam in the front of my pajama pants?_ Remus ignored Sirius's smirk at his silence and attempted to clear his thoughts.

"Thought I'd visit Diagon Alley and see if anyone's hiring."

"I'm sure you'll find something," Sirius said. "Wormtail said there's tons of places looking for summer help. You might even find something permanent."

"Mm. Once they get past my background, we'll see." Before Sirius could remind him—again—that he didn't have to tell people about the Lycanthropy, Remus continued. "I also thought I'd do some grocery shopping since I'm going to do the cooking tonight. And get a cookbook since I don't want to make our friends sick."

"You might also want to get some flatware, silverware, glasses, pots and whatever else you'll need," Sirius responded. He turned towards his bedroom and looked over the debris on the floor. Remus took a few moments to savor the view before deciding he'd have to get Sirius pajamas while he was in Diagon Alley. "I'm going to find my wand so I can Summon my gold bag. Got to give you some money before you leave."

"I'm not even sure I should look for a job today," Remus stated. "What employer do you know who's going to take me seriously dropping in this late in the day?"

"Late? It's not even nine."

"Really? And you're up? Uh…awake?"

Sirius smiled. "Yeah, I'm surprised too. Not sure if it's force of habit because we just got out of school but I was up with the sun. Strange because I couldn't sleep." He paused. "Had a lot on my mind last night."

"I see." Remus cleared his throat and looked down, this time at his own feet. If that wasn't designed to make him realize how foolish his statement had been the night before, it was certainly making him think twice about being so bold with Sirius again.

"I was just going to check the mail before I jump in the shower," Sirius said. "I'll get the money to you before you leave." Without waiting for a response, Sirius walked briskly down the hall and descended the stairs.

* * *

"Madam Pince is going to descend on the house, isn't she?"

Remus jumped and turned as Sirius entered his bedroom. He immediately thanked whatever god granted such mercies that Sirius was fully dressed. He'd even shaved and combed through his damp hair. "What are you on about?"

Sirius gestured to the tall bookshelves on either side of the large windows. "It looks like you've stolen half the Hogwarts library. I expect our former librarian to come in here throwing hexes left and right. I know she liked you, but I think she assumed you'd leave a few for the remaining students."

"I wouldn't expect you to know this since you were hardly in the library, but the school collection needed a bit of thinning out," Remus said. "Dumbledore actually offered me more books than I took."

"You really got these at school?" Sirius asked. "I was just kidding."

Remus shrugged. "He thought the Order could use an off-site research facility. A lot of these are too advanced for most students, anyway." He pointed to the set of shelves to the left of the windows. "These are mostly jinxes and curses and a few Dark Arts books from the Restricted Section. The ones over here—" he pointed to the right "—are defensive spell books. There's a fair number on healing spells. There's also one on home protections I think you should take a look at."

"Does Dumbledore really think we're going to need to know all of this? I find it hard to believe Voldemort is prepared to take it to all out warfare."

"Dumbledore thinks he is or will be one day," Remus responded. "We may be able to stop him beforehand, but he's recruiting people into that group of his for a purpose. Possibly trying to take over the Ministry. We need to know everything we can in case this gets dangerous quickly."

"Speaking of recruiting, I want you to be careful while you're out there today," Sirius said. "James told me someone tried to talk to him Saturday when he was by himself. Attempted to drag him into some bar on Knockturn Alley for a drink. That's why he insists on escorting Lily everywhere."

"I'll be fine," Remus said. "If I learned anything from being around you and James, it's how to throw a good hex and get away if I need to. Did you bring the gold?"

Sirius shook his head. "There's a chance someone who came to the party walked away with a pretty good prize. Or it could be lost somewhere in my school trunk. I haven't bothered unpacking." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a rolled and sealed parchment. "Show this at Gringotts. As long as you're staying here, you'll have access to my vault for whatever we need at the house."

"What if I decide we need enough gold to buy a sports car?"

"Have you been flipping through Muggle lad's mags again? If you get anything irresponsible with my money, at least get a motorcycle. Then we can ride together."

Remus shook his head, laughing. "I don't know what you see in that thing you bought. It's loud, it smells—"

"People have said worse about me," Sirius countered. "I like it because it's fast and doesn't require me to trim and shape its twigs. Plainly, it's not something every wizard would have. Muggle girls and witches love it."

"But you're stuck on the road with it. And visiting the petrol station."

"For now. I'm working on getting it to fly and converting the engine."

"And then you'll get it to self-cast Obliviation Charms so no one will remember seeing you fly it?"

Sirius shook his head. "The danger is part of the experience, Moony. I've got to get McGonagall's influence off of you soon. We're going out tomorrow night so I can fully corrupt you."

"Assuming I don't have to get up for work in the morning," Remus said.

"Right. Barring that." Sirius smiled. "By the way, I know your tastes. When you're at the store, get us something for dinner besides steak. Not everyone is as in to big chunks of meat as you are." With another smile in his direction, Sirius turned and walked out of the bedroom.

"Tease," Remus said into the space. He sighed. The room felt suddenly drained of energy without his presence, but Remus was glad Sirius had left all the same. He'd been picturing the other man naked for most of their conversation, thanks to their meeting earlier that morning. It was bad enough that image was permanently burned into his brain, but having Sirius stand next to his bed and tease him was almost more than he could handle. Remus was starting to think he'd have to wake up and relax himself the same way Sirius did every morning to release the tension. That, and put a Silencing Charm on his friend while he was sleeping. He would never hear that stupid "Coconut" song the same way again.

* * *

"You're amazing, you know that?"

Sirius chuckled as he walked into the kitchen behind Remus. "I know that." He stopped next to his friend. "How'd you know I was here?"

Remus turned to regard him. "That cologne you bathe in." He gestured to the kitchen appliances lined against the wall. "You're the only wizard I know who'd buy a Muggle house in a Muggle neighborhood and actually have appliances that run on electricity. Weren't you raised to respect the Pureblood traditions of shunning Muggle toys and trappings?"

"Yes, but someone who constantly leaves his wand lying around might like to grab a cool drink out of the box without benefit of a Cooling Charm." To demonstrate, Sirius leaned forward and pulled a bottle of firewhiskey out of the refrigerator. "I don't see what the big deal is anyway," he said.

"The big deal," Remus began, "is that I have no idea how to use any of this stuff." He gestured to the stove and oven. "I never spent time with my Mum in the kitchen, and it's been so long since I've lived at home, I wouldn't remember even if I had. And," he said, his voice rising, "this bloody cookbook doesn't have instructions for cooking on a Muggle stove. Just some basics about a lasting flame for stews and such."

"Using the thing can't be too complicated," Sirius said. "Muggle children set their houses on fire all the time, from what I hear. And you're decent enough with potions. I'm sure you can boil something and make it edible."

"And if I burn the house down?"

"You won't," Sirius assured him. "I have faith in you. That, and I put Flame Repelling Charms all around the room while you were gone. You couldn't set anything on fire in here if you tried." He opened the bottle of firewhiskey and took a drink.

"Your confidence in me is overwhelming," Remus said.

"I knew I could help." Sirius grabbed Remus's wrist and turned it until his watch faced up. "You should get started. I owled everyone to be here at seven. That gives you two hours."

"I don't suppose you're going to help?"

"I think two people without a clue is worse than one, don't you?" Sirius chuckled and began backing out of the kitchen. "Besides, when this goes well, you'll be able to take all the credit. I'd hate to deprive you of that honor. I'll check on you in an hour."

An hour later, Remus wanted to kill his best friend. The git had returned long enough to switch his firewhiskey for the much lighter butterbeer and offer another uninspiring pep talk before leaving to fiddle around in the basement. An hour and a half after that, Lily had come into the kitchen to rescue what was left of their dinner, leaving Remus to do what he knew best in the kitchen—pour drinks.

"I can't thank you enough," Remus said as he watched Lily turned the flame beneath a pot on low. "I have no idea what he was thinking buying this kind of stuff for the kitchen."

Lily smiled as she turned away from the stove. "He was thinking that if he ever had a Muggle girl sleep over, she could fix him breakfast before he kicked her out. I heard him tell James he also got a phone."

"For the girls as well?"

Lily nodded. "He wants someone to teach him to use it."

"That leaves you or me."

"You," Lily corrected. "I'm not going to help expose some poor Muggle girl to whatever passes for romantic conversation with him. I'm surprised he intends to call them at all, seeing as he's never seemed the second date type."

"More like leave the party with one girl, but keep in touch with her friend for the next night," Remus said. "That's how he ended up with half of Hufflepuff before fifth year."

"Maybe you should think about charms around your bedroom," Lily suggested.

He lifted the tray containing the glasses of firewhiskey and bottles of butterbeer. "Already done. I'm going to do sound muffling charms around his bedroom after he's asleep," Remus said as he began walking out of the kitchen. "Otherwise, I may never get any sleep around here."

"The plan is to be up with the sun for your new job," Sirius said as Remus walked into the parlor. "Sleep will be optional when you join the rest of the working stiffs."

"Oh, did you find something already?" Peter asked. He grabbed a butterbeer from the tray as Remus placed it on the table. "I thought it might take you a bit longer, what with—"

"With his monthly madness," James put in. "I'd thought the same."

"You're both right," Remus said. "I went to seven shops today before I finally gave up. I'm thinking I could just hire myself out as night guard to all of Diagon Alley a few nights of the month. That way, I could spend my days reading and—what was it Professor McGonagall said?—use my strengths to get ahead in life."

"I think she meant for you to work the shy angle so you could get a date," Sirius said. "She didn't understand why a cute boy like you never had a girlfriend."

"He had plenty of them," Lily said. She sipped her firewhiskey. "I lost track of how many girls were lining up to give him a goodbye kiss Friday."

"And none of them had the first clue why he wasn't interested?" Peter asked.

"I'm sure a few of them have guessed," Remus said. "It didn't take Lily long. They're just comfortable being around me."

"Because they think you're harmless," Sirius said. "That's the problem. If you told them you like blokes and girls, they'd respect you more. That'd put a stop to you being another one of their girlfriends."

"Yes, but isn't playing both sides more a form of greed than anything else?" James asked. "I don't think it's possible for anyone to like a little bit of everything."

"Why not keep one's options open? I do." Sirius leaned back in his chair and grinned. "Blondes, brunettes…" He glanced at the couple cuddling on his sofa. "Okay, I haven't developed a liking for redheads, but if I ever come across a nice one—"

"An idiot or a slag?" Lily asked. "I could introduce you to either."

"Again, I'd have to say all of the above," Sirius stated. "After all, why would I want to deprive any willing woman of my company?"

Lily sighed. "Why indeed?" She turned back to Remus and offered him a small smile. "You poor thing, having to be exposed to this constantly. I hope you'll be able to stay above his influence." She sipped her firewhiskey. "You never mentioned it yesterday, how long are you staying?"

"Forever," Sirius said.

"Until I can find a job and save a few coins," Remus said, ignoring his friend. "To tell the truth, it might be a while. I can't imagine anyone wanting to hire me once they know the truth."

"The truth is that you're smart and capable and any business owner would be a fool not to want you to come work for them," Lily said. "I'll put in a word for you with Mr. Davis. I'd love if we could work together."

"You got a job at the Apothecary?" Remus asked.

She nodded. "Just this morning."

"I'll see if Mr. Goode is hiring anyone else when I go in tomorrow," Peter added.

"And I'll try to convince dear Moony that he doesn't always have to be so honest," Sirius said. "I don't see what harm it would do to not tell prospective employers. You could just tell them you're sick once a month. A different excuse every time. They never have to know why. Aren't medical conditions private?"

Remus rolled his eyes. They'd had this argument more times than he cared to recall, and the last thing he wanted to do was rehash it after the morning he'd had. "Technically, the Ministry doesn't classify my kind as human, let alone something as innocuous as a 'condition.' I'm lucky they haven't tried sterilizing me and putting me in some sort of camp to be controlled. Or so my father says." Remus reached for Sirius's bottle of butterbeer and downed most of it in one gulp.

"That's what he said to you before you wrote to me?" Sirius asked. Remus nodded.

"So your folks did kick you out?" James asked. "I swear, John Lupin doesn't have the sense or heart he was born with."

"Neither does your mother if she allowed this to happen," Lily said. "Have you spoken to her?"

Remus nodded again. "She was there when I was packing, shamming tears and making excuses. I think she wanted me to go too, but was too scared to say so herself. I'm not going to expect an owl from her any time soon." He sighed. "That's really been the hardest part of all this. I kept telling myself that they'd made peace with it while I was at school. They knew I'd found a way to control it every month and never stopped thanking Dumbledore for giving me a place to go. I had no idea my father felt so strongly about it until now. It's not as if I'm a danger to them anymore."

"Even if you were, you're still their son," Lily said quietly.

No one spoke for a few moments. Remus wished suddenly that the floor would open up and swallow him; he looked down to avoid the pitying looks from his friends, especially Lily. In the short time they'd become friends, he found that Lily always had a way of speaking what was in his heart bluntly, even if meant embarrassing him in front of everyone else. While he admired her honesty, sometimes he wished she would leave the obvious unspoken.

"Come on, Remus," Lily said. "Let's check on dinner. James's stomach is louder than that shirt Sirius is wearing."

"I heard that." Sirius pointed at Lily as she crossed the room to take Remus by the hand.

Lily smiled. "Good. Your hearing hasn't gone the way of your taste. Dinner'll be ready in a few."

* * *

"Wow," James said as Remus and Lily levitated the food to the table. Lily set bowls of soup in front of each chair as Remus floated baked potatoes, steaks and a large bowl of salad to the dining room table. "This looks amazing," he added. "Good job, both of you."

"Glad you like it," Sirius said. "Remus is a bit tall for a house-elf, but he hasn't let that stop him from producing quality work."

"Git. I'm not your house-elf." He turned to levitate the drinks from the parlor into the dining room.

Sirius smirked. "Keep up with that attitude and I won't get you that new leash I promised."

"So," Peter started. "Whose job is it to test Sirius's food for poison tonight?"

"I wouldn't touch his plate if I were you," Remus said as he brought in the drinks. "His might have a few special ingredients."

"Don't care, as long as you clean up the mess afterwards," Sirius said.

Remus lowered everyone's drinks to the table. Then he upended Sirius's drink over his lap and sat next to Lily, joining her laughter as Sirius scowled at him across the table.

"Oops," he said. "I guess I'm not as adept at being a house-elf as you thought."

Sirius frowned as he pulled out his wand to siphon the butterbeer from his clothes. "I think that was just your way of trying to get me out of my trousers again," he said. "I heard you loud and clear last night and you weren't too subtle this morning either. If you want to see me naked again, just ask. Otherwise, you're only wasting perfectly good drinks."

James began choking on his food while Lily erupted into laughter again. "You saw him naked?" she asked, turning to Remus.

"It's not my fault he was parading around the house like that this morning."

Lily handed James his glass and patted his back gently. She smiled at Sirius. "So, you go around naked often?" she asked.

"Don't go getting any ideas, Evans," Sirius said. "I already promised James I wouldn't attempt to lure you away with a display of my goods."

"For which he and I both thank you," Lily said.

"Remus, what were you up to last night and this morning that made Sirius think you'd want to see him naked?" Peter asked.

"He was joking," Remus said. "Try the soup. And the steak." He pointed at the plates. "I think they turned out well."

"Joking, was I? I suppose that's why you're still blushing." Sirius smiled. "And why you had a craving for big meat tonight."

"Please, someone change the subject," James said.

From that point on, dinner was far more tame than it had begun. Remus was surprised they'd all managed to avoid questioning him about what had happened, but supposed it was out of respect for the faint shade of green James had begun to turn from the subject. He was even more surprised Sirius had brought up their encounters in such a casual manner. Maybe he hadn't been offended by the comment. Or the staring and consequent drooling.

After everyone had left, Remus was thankful he'd been left alone in the kitchen to straighten the mess he'd created. Sirius would've just been in the way. Luckily, Lily had helped with most of the cleanup and the plates and glasses were easy to take care of. He was levitating the last of them into the cabinet when he heard the door open behind him. Remus swerved and one of the plates hit the edge of the cabinet and fell to the floor; it shattered and pieces slid in several directions.

"Reparo," Sirius said. The plate mended itself and Sirius levitated it into the cabinet. He smiled as he walked further into the kitchen. "You're not nervous, are you?"

"N-no. Why would I be nervous?" Remus asked.

"Because I was teasing you about this morning and last night. I am used to you, you know. You don't have to worry about being a bad houseguest because you look."

_That's what you think this is about? It's not my looking so much as you wanting me to look that's so damn confusing._ Remus pressed his lips together. It would be too easy for that thought to slip out and make the situation complicated. Especially since he wasn't sure if Sirius had wanted him to look or if he'd merely spent the day letting himself believe that.

"I'm not worried about being a bad houseguest at all," Remus said. "In spite of your insults, I'm actually having a good influence on you. For instance, there's something in the refrigerator besides drinks."

"And I even have pajamas," Sirius said. "Silk, no less. How'd you know I'd like them?"

_Because I'd imagined putting them on you, and then taking them off. I pictured the look on your face as I slid the fabric against your skin. I knew that rich blood red would look magnificent on you. The texture reminds me of your hair._

Remus knew he was blushing again when Sirius began to laugh.

"Living with you will be an adventure, won't it?" He laughed again and clapped a hand to his friend's shoulder. "Since you like the idea so much, I might model them for you. I can't make any promises, though. I do like being free in the morning."

_And I'm going to develop a permanent cramp in my right hand_, Remus thought as Sirius walked away. So much for learning to ignore his desires. Sirius had just whet the werewolf's appetite.


	3. Shaken Up

_I'm used to you, you know._

Used to me? Like one would get used to a particularly smelly dog or a roommate who snores?

Remus snuggled deeper under his sheets and lifted his arm to block the early morning sunlight streaming through his bedroom windows.

_I heard you loud and clear last night._

Oh, really, Sirius? That's why you thought it was a good idea to parade yourself in front of me like a t-bone you knew I'd want to devour? Bastard.

He shifted in bed again as a sheen of sweat broke out over his skin. The sheets stuck to Remus in several places. He pushed them down with his feet as his body grew more heated.

_I can't make any promises._

And that was the rub, wasn't it? He couldn't make promises. He wouldn't make concessions. He wouldn't stop teasing until Remus snapped and came out with what he wanted. Not that it wasn't already obvious. But with Sirius, everything was a game. Life was a game and the entire Wizarding world had been his playground since he was old enough to realize that beauty and money could get him just about anything. Including a friend who practically worshipped him and a live-in housekeeper who'd spend nights thinking about a future that wouldn't happen.

It was all part of the game for someone who thought it his right to make everyone want him or want to be him. The sole exception was James, but even he'd played the role of jester at Sirius's whim many a time. Only he'd had the sense and strength to pull himself out at some point. Remus? Still a plaything. A willing one, at that.

There was a time when the very idea of being watched by another man had been the last thing on Sirius's agenda. It wasn't an ego boost or an annoyance, it was something to be feared. More so than the fact that he'd been sleeping several feet from a werewolf for the better part of four years. Remus knew he'd remember that first confrontation for the rest of his life.

He'd been sitting on the edge of his bed, waiting for Sirius to get out of the shower. Another ten minutes and they'd both miss breakfast and probably be late for their first class. Remus waited anyway. It was silly, but there was something about the way Sirius Black looked fresh out of the shower, his face slightly red from being scrubbed clean, his eyes lit as he strutted into the room with his towel hanging low on his hips. Remus had come to look forward to the brief glimpses of Sirius each morning, before he went back to pretending he hadn't noticed. This morning, however, something changed.

He brushed past Sirius to get into the bathroom, nearly running him over. Sirius stumbled and Remus caught his arm with one hand. Their eyes met briefly before Remus released him. Blushing, he walked quickly into the bathroom and closed the door behind himself. There had been a look in the dark gray eyes, a slight widening that Remus only remembered that night as he slept. What he remembered in the shower was the soft feel of his roommate's skin, the catch of his breath as they'd touched, the way his damp hair curled against his neck in soft tendrils, begging to be touched. It hadn't taken long for the rush to his senses to get to Remus and he found himself staying in the shower longer than he'd anticipated, imagining hands that weren't his own running over his body under the steady stream of hot water.

When he stepped out of the bathroom, Remus was surprised to find Sirius waiting for him. He'd taken long enough that they were both late for class. Not that it mattered. A detention from McGonagall wouldn't be anything new to either of them. The reason for this one would be an excuse only their closest friends would know.

"Thought you might've run to Transfiguration by now," Remus said. After getting no response, he crossed the room and sat on his bed; Sirius stiffened. He waited a few seconds for Sirius to say something. The other boy remained silent. "You know how McGonagall gets when we're late."

"I thought I'd take the chance," Sirius said quietly. "Besides, I've already got one detention this week."

Remus nodded. He turned to the chest next to his bed and began rummaging through for his pants. Why had Sirius been waiting for him to get out of the shower? He couldn't—there was no way he was making the first move. That would be far too much to ask for. And he was too quiet. The last time he acted this way was when he confronted Remus about being a werewolf—and even then, he hadn't seemed as fidgety as he appeared now, staring at his hands and avoiding eye contact.

"Can I ask you a question?"

Remus looked up. Sirius was frowning.

"Is there a problem?" Remus asked.

"I saw something this morning and I want you to tell me the truth about it."

Remus laughed softly. He couldn't have seen anything worth all this drama. Nothing worth mentioning had happened until Remus had entered the shower. And he was pretty sure the water had covered up any sounds he'd been making. Still, Sirius was having trouble meeting his eye. That couldn't be good. "What do you want me to tell you?"

"You were looking at me this morning," Sirius stated. "Why?"

Panicking would do no good, Remus knew that. Still, his stomach dropped to somewhere below his knees and he temporarily lost the ability to breathe. He silently thanked Dumbledore for teaching him to control his temper or he might've felt the change coming on then. As it was, he hoped he was imagining the sudden growth of slick fur on the back of his hands and back. His mouth had gone dry, but Remus commended himself on sounding normal when he finally spoke.

"Perhaps I was looking at you strangely because you were singing that stupid song again and taking forever in the bathroom as usual," Remus said. "Unlike you and James, my marks don't allow for me to show up to class whenever I please. You might think of being more courteous to your roommates every once in a while."

"This isn't the first time you've looked at me that way," Sirius said quickly. His eyes narrowed. "Don't think I haven't noticed."

"What's your point?" Remus asked. "That you've noticed I have eyes and use them?"

"You've been looking _at me_."

"Lots of people do that. As a matter of fact, that's your goal half the time."

"You know what I mean," Sirius said quietly.

Of course he knew. They both knew. It was the reason Remus couldn't raise his eyes and why Sirius looked as if he didn't know if he wanted to take a swing at the young werewolf or bolt from the room. "I don't know why it should matter," Remus said finally.

"Of course it matters! You're a—a—"

"A werewolf," Remus supplied. "Something you haven't had a problem with since you found out. And if there's anything worse out there, something that could possibly scare you more than me under the influence of a full moon, then I guess you're justified in questioning me like I've done something wrong."

"Are you thinking about it?"

"About what?" he asked, his voice rising.

"Doing something wrong."

Remus stared at Sirius. He took several deep breaths and reminded himself that if he ever attacked anyone at the school, no other would take him. His education—magical and Muggle—would be lost for good. Even Dumbledore wouldn't be able to help him. But how was he to contend with someone determined to unearth his one remaining secret, however dangerous?

"I've never considered who I am or how I feel as something wrong," he said quietly. "But to answer your question, I have not thought of _doing anything_ to anyone." Yet, he wanted to add. It would be worth it to see Sirius squirm. Not worth it to hear the statement repeated to the rest of the Gryffindor boys in their year and then the rest of the school just before the outright revolt began.

"So, it's true then. Blokes," Sirius said simply.

"Do we really have to go through this?" Remus gestured to the school clothes scattered on his bed. He needed something to distract him from the searching look Sirius was giving him. Remus didn't know if that look meant the cool rejection he'd been expecting since the first day he stepped on the Hogwarts Express or if this questioning was the calm before the storm he'd feared since he'd first acknowledged his own feelings. Either was to be expected. Sirius wasn't known for his calm temperament, and Remus had a feeling the last thing boys at a school the size of Hogwarts wanted was someone who was different from them, in a way that truly counted.

"Well, how do expect me to react?" Sirius asked. "Finding out about you this way, I thought—"

"You thought what?" Remus asked. "That I couldn't be more of a freak, but it was okay because I was the kind you and your friends appreciate?" He pointed an accusing finger. "Don't think I don't know why you and James suddenly started talking to me a few months after school started. One or the both of you had figured it out and you thought it would be fun if I was dangerous. Of all the stupid ideas, you think being what I am must be a lark. But I put up with it because I wanted friends." Remus bit his bottom lip. He'd admitted more than he wanted to, but he wasn't entirely sure he was sorry. It was long past time for the truth to come out.

"If you want to judge me, that's your problem. I'm the same person you knew yesterday and the day before and for years before that. But I'd appreciate you not blabbing what you know to everyone in the school."

"I wouldn't," Sirius said softly.

"Why wouldn't you?" Remus shouted. "You're so repulsed by the very idea—"

"I'm not," Sirius said, raising his voice to shout over his angry roommate. "It just caught me off guard. And I'd never tell anyone. It would likely get you beaten up. Or worse. Someone might think you'd want to try something with them—"

"Like you did? Yeah, and it'd be horrible if I found someone at this school attractive, wouldn't it? That's why you had to say something."

"Look, I didn't mean to get in your face about it. But what did you expect me to think with you staring at me like that?"

"That I think you're—" Remus stopped himself. For the first time he could remember, Sirius Black was blushing. It was probably best if he didn't attempt to finish his statement. Especially since there were so many adjectives floating through his mind, he knew Sirius would reach a new, unheard of level of embarrassment if he voiced them. It would be pointless anyway. Sirius had made it clear he didn't return Remus's feelings and Remus didn't want to make him feel any more uncomfortable than he already did. It was enough that he didn't seem agitated anymore.

"I really should get dressed," Remus said. He glanced at the clothes scattered on his bed. "I have to make it to Transfiguration with enough time for McGonagall to yell at me and send me to my next class."

Sirius laughed. "Just tell her I made you late and she'll probably let you off. It's worked for Peter quite a few times."

With that, the tension between them was broken. It had taken several weeks, but after a while, their relationship returned to normal—Sirius the wild, most outgoing one of their group, Remus in the background quietly watching. He eventually felt comfortable enough to confide in James and Peter. James had expressed similar paranoia to Sirius, while Peter had merely found it hysterical that his first admitted crush was on Sirius. Gradually, it was as if little had changed between them, with one small difference. Remus finally felt sure he could trust his friends with anything.

Now, living with Sirius, that feeling of safety was being threatened. Remus wanted to trust his friend, but his fear for his own sanity was of utmost concern. Would it be better to tell Sirius not to tease him and have to deal with questions about why the teasing got to him or should he let it continue and convince himself that the banter and growing tension between them meant nothing?

To Sirius, it was probably just that. Nothing. A way to pass days dotted with little more than drinking, parties and girls. Admittedly, that long ago crush had long since faded into the occasional harmless look. But all intentions of remaining stoic were for naught as Sirius had obviously grown a little too comfortable with his friend's sexuality. Living in his house could easily become torture if Remus wasn't careful. Unfortunately for Remus, his relationship with his friend was never again going to be anything as casual as a passing fancy. And unless Sirius gave him strong signals that his actions were more than just teasing, there was nothing he could do about it.  


* * *

  
Remus should've listened to his instincts. His instincts had told him not to enter Sirius's bedroom without first checking to see if his roommate was dressed. Also, he was pretty sure he'd thought something about utilizing a great deal of self-control, but that idea was fading quickly as he crossed the room. Before he'd made it to the walk-in closet Sirius was standing inside, the other man bent over and put on a pair of black silk boxers. Remus told himself covering everything up, however enticing the wrapper, was a good thing.

"You yelled?"

Sirius nodded without turning and beckoned him closer with one hand. "I need your opinion. I want you to tell me if I look good."

"Is that a trick question?" Remus asked. _Is that why you yelled for me to get in here while you were naked?_ He looked Sirius up and down, taking note of the way the muscles bunched in his back as he moved hangers along the top rack of clothes. His eyes drifted down to take in the way the boxers molded to the curves of Sirius's backside before he examined the long, muscular legs sprinkled with hair Remus imagined was rough to the touch. "You always look good," he added.

"No, no. In the clothes I'm wearing to the club tonight," Sirius said. He quickly pulled on a pair of black trousers and a short-sleeved black shirt. He pointed to the racks of shirts and trousers on either side of them. "I've got some things that'll fit you too. Can't have you going in Wizard's robes." He looked at the khaki trousers and white shirt Remus was wearing. "Or that."

"Oh, like your clothes are so much better."

"What?" Sirius looked down at his outfit. "All black. Goes with the name." He grinned and a dimple appeared in his left cheek. "It's a look."

"The just-left-a-funeral look?" _That smile is what really got my first crush started, isn't it? But the nudity is what's started it this time_, Remus thought. _I really ought to talk to him about that._ To distract himself, Remus looked at the colorful array of clothing for a minute before pulling a mustard yellow silk shirt from a top rack. He charmed it to turn dark red and shoved the hanger at Sirius. "Here. Put this on."

"This is nearly the same color as the pajamas you bought me."

"You look good in that color," Remus said.

Sirius held the shirt out. "For all that, I may as well wear the pajama shirt."

Remus rolled his eyes. "I know the goal is to get the girls into bed, but let's not make that too obvious from the beginning, all right?"

"Actually, tonight's goal is a bit different." Sirius handed the hanger to Remus and began unbuttoning the black shirt he was wearing. "I think I want to try an experiment."

The hanger slipped from Remus's hand. He caught it before it dropped too far and then moved to wipe the sudden beads of sweat from his hand on the side of his trousers. "Oh, really?"

"I got to thinking about what Lily said last night, how many girlfriends you had at school." Sirius laughed softly. "I think it's a load of rubbish that they couldn't tell about you from the beginning—"

"Because you caught on so quickly?"

Sirius removed the red shirt from the hanger and slipped it on. "I wasn't paying attention," he said as he buttoned his shirt. "But girls notice these things. They'd be more aware of spending time with a boy and not generating any kind of…interest."

"Just because every word out of my mouth isn't a come-on doesn't mean girls would automatically know I'm gay."

"Right. Next you're going to tell me that merely being nice to them is a way to get their attention." He tucked the bottom of his shirt into his trousers and turned to examine the back of his reflection in the full-length mirror at the back of the closet.

"It doesn't hurt," Remus said. "You might try being sincerely interested in what one of them has to say."

"I'm interested. If they're saying 'yes' or 'don't stop.' My point is, we could conduct a little contest tonight."

"A contest? Why do I not like the sound of this?"

"Where's your sense of fun?" Sirius chuckled.

"Trying not to get arrested."

"Funny. I'm pretty sure we won't be doing anything worthy of police involvement tonight. I just think it would be fun to see who can attract the most girls tonight. Since I got the new phone installed today, I say we see which of us can get the most phone numbers."

"Even though I'm not attracted to women, they should be able to sense it and I've got next to no experience chatting someone up?"

"Well, it's not like you've got _no_ exper—" Sirius cocked his head to the side and stared at Remus. "You're not still a virgin, are you?"

"No! I just don't date very much. You know why."

"That's only an excuse three days out of the month," Sirius stated. "Now, Lily says you charm girls easily, so I'm sure you can handle this little competition. I just want to see your technique in action. The making friends thing."

"Because you can't imagine being friendly with a girl for a reason other than potentially having sex with her?"

Sirius shook his head. "Because I think it will be funny to see a room full of women throwing themselves at Mr. Smart and Sensitive while he couldn't care less. Maybe they'll turn to me when they sense you're not interested."

Remus sighed. _Like he needs anyone's cast-offs_. "Is there a point to this? A wager or something?"

"That's a pretty good idea," Sirius said. "How about, the winner gets…a favor from the other person? Something he'll have to do no matter what."

_That would come in handy. I can make him wear clothes any time he leaves his bedroom. On the other hand, he could make me join him in that swinging free thing. Or worse._ Remus frowned as a thought occurred to him. "As long as it doesn't involve dressing in women's clothing or obscene acts with animals, I can agree to that."

"What makes you think I'd suggest something like that?"

"I imagine you've thought about putting me in a pretty dress once or twice." Remus took Sirius's silent grin as confirmation. "And nothing that involves me flirting with James."

Sirius laughed. "Damn, you do drive a hard bargain. That would've been funny."

"Yeah, maybe. If you could win."

"What makes you think I can't?"

Remus smiled. "I'm not saying you won't put up a good fight. It's just that I'm irresistible."  


* * *

  
Remus grinned and sipped his drink. The gin was largely tasteless, but the vermouth swirling around the glass lent a bitter aftertaste to the clear liquid. Lifting the glass again, he emptied it in one gulp and swallowed hard, trying to mentally prepare himself to escape from the trap he'd inadvertently stepped into. Before he could open his mouth to speak, a small, soft hand began running through his hair. The blonde girl sitting on the stool in front of him frowned.

"Do you mind?" she said to the girl behind him.

"Yes, I do," the tall brunette answered. She grabbed Remus by the shoulders and turned him to face her. "Hi, I'm Alice." Alice smiled and he saw the bright fuchsia lipstick she'd recently reapplied smudged across her top teeth. If the invisible cloud surrounding her was any indication, she'd also doused herself with perfume just before walking over.

Remus raised his empty glass to his lips for a few seconds, willing his smile to go down so she wouldn't know he was trying not to laugh. "Hello, Alice," he said after a moment.

"Ooh, you have a deep voice," she said. She rubbed her hand over the lapel of his white jacket. "Buy me a drink?"

"Excuse me!" His companion from the bar stood and pushed Alice on the shoulder, forcing her to take a lurching step back. "I was here first."

_I'm going to need another drink after this_, Remus thought as his companion stepped forward. One strap of her green mini dress slipped down, threatening to expose a good portion of her top half. Remus turned to the bartender and motioned for him to refill his glass. A fourth drink wouldn't hurt. At least, it would make the idea of women arguing over him for the second time that night slightly less likely to inspire hysterical laughter. Remus slid the bartender a crumpled bill and turned back to the girls; they were standing next to him and scowling at each other, hands planted on their hips in pre-fight stance.

"Ladies, you really shouldn't argue—not over me," Remus said.

"See, you're a sweetheart," Alice said, running one hand along his cheek. "That's why a tart like Ella doesn't deserve you."

"Tart, am I?" Ella snatched Alice's hand away from Remus and threw it to her side. "You have nerve to call me that when you went into the loo with that bloke for a few minutes?"

Remus didn't even have look where she was pointing to see that she was referring to Sirius, who was now on the dance floor, shaking his hips in rhythm with two women flanking him in front and back. In spite of any recent bathroom excursions, their "no magic" rule had put a major cramp in Sirius's style. At least, Remus assumed it was a cramp. Sirius was only dancing with two girls, as opposed to the four or five he'd always had on the run at Hogwarts. Then again, he could easily have sent a girl to get him a drink.

If he listened carefully, Remus thought he could hear his friend tunelessly singing, "Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing. Yeah yeah! Show 'em how we do it now," and then a minute later shouting "Shake it! Shake it!" Sirius threw his arms in the air and shook while beads of sweat slid down his face. It seemed half the people in the club were singing with him, but Remus knew that was an illusion brought on by his own lips moving as he watched Sirius light up his corner of the dark and crowded dance floor.

The women continued arguing, but Remus ignored them, watching as Sirius moved his head back and forth, his ear-length hair swinging through the air and sticking to his forehead and neck in small clumps. A grin split Sirius's face as one of the women groped his butt though his fitted black trousers. After a couple of minutes, the song ended and Remus lost him in the crowd as he made his way towards the bar.

"You'll have to excuse me, ladies. I need to catch up with my friend." The woman continued to ignore Remus as he picked up his drink and walked down the bar, trying to look over everyone's heads for a messy head of dark hair he recognized. Finally, he spotted Sirius close to the end of the long bar, leaning forward to speak into the ear of a redhead in a barely there purple tube top and equally small skin tight shorts. Remus got close enough to tap him on the shoulder before stopping to listen to what Sirius was saying to the woman.

"I bet your love looks like a mountain and I'd love to slide down into your canyon." Remus nearly choked on his laughter. _Did he really get anywhere talking like that?_

She giggled and slid her hand along Sirius's leg. "You can hardly see anything from where you are, but I can give you a better look if we find someplace more private."

"Mm. That sounds nice," Sirius responded. Before he could add anything else, Remus tapped him on the shoulder. He turned, frowning. "Oh, it's you."

"Nice to see you too, mate." Remus nodded at the redhead before leaning closer to Sirius. "It's nearly one. This place shuts down in an hour, but I think I need to get out of here now."

"Oh, now?" Sirius groped for his shot glass on the bar. "I'll come with you."

"No, you enjoy your company," Remus said, putting a hand to his friend's shoulder. "I'll see you in the morning." He leaned closer still. "Don't forget the sound muffling charms."

With a brief nod at the pair, Remus downed his drink in one gulp, dropped the glass to the bar and made his way through the crowd and into the startlingly frigid night air. Remus performed a quick warming charm on himself as he walked, scanning the street until he found a quiet corner. He turned on the spot and Apparated to the front stoop of the house. As he moved to unlock the front door, he heard a loud crack echo behind him and turned, surprised to see Sirius quickly strolling up the sidewalk.

"I thought you were going to stay," Remus said as he pushed the front door open.

"It wouldn't have been any fun without you."

Remus grinned. They'd hardly seen each other all night, partly because of the crowd of women who continuously surrounded Sirius, partly because Remus had spent the first hour after their arrival staring into his glass, wondering why he'd ever fooled himself that Sirius could develop even the slightest interest in him. After his second drink, he'd loosened up enough to dance. That's when the women began to take notice of him, much to his growing amusement. His moves were hardly as fluid as Sirius's, but that hadn't stopped women from slipping their numbers into a pocket of the white trousers he'd borrowed, or tugging at the wide lapels of his black shirt to get his attention.

Remus suspected it was partly due to the little piles of white powder they were sniffing at the bar, but he didn't want to question what was suddenly making him the ladies' man he'd never been. He was just happy he hadn't upset any of the women by laughing at their enthusiasm. If Sirius wanted to take him out again, Remus was strongly considering a Muggle Repelling Charm for the most persistent of them.

"Come on," Sirius said. "Out with it."

"What?"

"I'm sure that smile is because you think you got me beat tonight." Sirius circled Remus, studying him in the dim light coming through the window next to the door. "I have to admit, you did look pretty good out there dancing."

Remus was glad for the darkness as his face warmed. "I only got a few," he said. "From the crowd of women around you, I suspect you'll have at least a dozen." Remus reached into his right trouser pocket and closed his fingers around the slips of paper he'd been itching to get rid of all night.

Sirius lifted his wand and lit it as he pulled his hand from his own pocket. He glanced back and forth between the numbers and matchbooks in his hand and the stash Remus had revealed.

"I don't get it," Sirius said after a minute of staring. "How'd you end up with twice as many numbers?"

_Besides the fact that you were obnoxious all night?_ Remus smiled and glanced down at the slips of papers in his hand. He didn't want to embarrass his friend further by showing him the numbers in his other trouser pocket. Or his jacket pocket. Or the one written onto his palm.

"Maybe they saw something in me you'll never see," Remus said. He pulled out his wand and Vanished the slips of paper from his hand. "Sometimes, attraction isn't about playing games. It's about saying what you want and meaning it. Even girls get tired of dancing, Padfoot."

He felt there was a healthy level of crap in the words, particularly since he hadn't said anything encouraging to the women who'd thrown themselves at him. He'd just politely listened to most of them. Sirius was too busy racking up numbers to give more than a few of them personal attention and the women had noticed. Simple as that. But as Sirius's face fell, Remus decided not to alert him to that fact. It might do his ego some good to come down a peg or two.

"What makes you think that?" Sirius asked in a quiet voice.

Remus had turned away to go up the stairs. He turned back at the question, his brows drawn together in confusion. "Think what?"

"That there's something in you I'll never see," he said.

Remus smiled sadly. "It's just a feeling I have," he responded. "You only look at me a certain way because that's how you're comfortable seeing me, no matter how much I may have changed since you first thought it." Remus frowned and flinched as Sirius raised his wand too close to his eyes. "This type of conversation is probably best saved for morning tea and sobriety. Good night, Sirius."

Sirius's farewell followed Remus up the stairs, seeming to echo in his ear until he closed the bedroom door behind himself. He was imagining it. Had to be. Because there was no way that brief look of longing in his friend's eyes meant anything more than wanting to see what other people could. Remus knew that Sirius would never be able to see why others found him attractive, and what he could be drawn to if he let himself. But that brief, confused look gave him hope. He cursed his active imagination.


	4. Weakness

There was chatter filling the large space when Remus descended to the kitchen the following morning. Surprised, he walked in to find James, Peter, Lily and Sirius, the latter in the silk pajamas Remus had bought him. James was in casual Muggle clothes while Lily and Peter wore the uniform robes of the shops where they worked. Lily grinned as Remus entered the room. The boys fell silent quickly, eyeing Remus as he walked across the large space.

"You look like crap," James said.

Remus lifted his head. His nose crinkled. "You smell like meat."

"We bought you dragon steaks," Lily said. "I remembered how much you like those. How are you feeling? Sirius was just telling us about your big night. I imagine you're hung over, at the very least."

Remus leaned against the counter next to the stove and raised a hand to brush over his eyes. He had a splitting headache and his stomach was roiling, but it wasn't because of the drink. It was the night before the full moon and his body felt like it was splitting itself apart at the seams. It was bad enough he became a monster several nights in a row. One of the unfortunate side effects was practically becoming an invalid during the days surrounding his change and being able to little about it but whine. It was during these days he wished there was a Sleeping Draught strong enough for his kind. Something that would leave him unconscious for days at a time – asleep and safe.

"I'm fine," Remus said. "It's not the liquor, it's everything else. The usual."

"I thought that might be the case as well," Lily said. She reached into a pouch tied at her waist and pulled out a vial filled with thick, dark green liquid. "I brought you something for your stomach, touched with a bit of Strengthening Solution. I also brought Wolfsbane Potion." She placed the vial of swirling gray potion on the counter and smiled as Remus's eyes widened. "Working at the Apothecary does give me access to the ingredients. I'll be able to help you every month."

"That's amazing. Thank you Lily," Remus said. He winced slightly as she reached over to hug him. He wanted to tell her she needn't have bothered, but they both knew he needed as much help as he could get; he couldn't afford the ingredients on his own. Especially since his family had cut him off and his job prospects were laughable. Thankfully, Lily overlooked his pride and simply forced her help on him, regardless of the protests she could usually expect. Remus had learned to just let her help him, without a fuss. The last thing he needed was another telling off when she was "only doing what any decent witch would do."

Remus smiled as she pulled out of his arms. "I don't know what I'd do with you."

"You'd suffer while the boys tell you to deal with the pain." She touched a finger to his temple. "But they don't understand." _You shouldn't have to suffer for something that isn't your fault._ He knew from her expression she was thinking the words. She'd said as much several times before.

Remus reached for the teapot on the stove. He touched it with his wand to reheat the water and moved to summon the canister of tea bags on the other side of the stove. After a few seconds Lily took over, silently preparing his drink while he leaned against the counter. He let the throb behind his temples force his eyes closed against the bright morning sunlight.

"What I don't understand is how he managed to charm all those women last night," Sirius said. He arched one eyebrow. "Though, watching him with Lily, I'm getting an idea. There must be something to that vulnerable little boy look that makes girls swarm and go all maternal. A Charm that can't be taught."

Lily smiled as she handed Remus his cup. "He's not doing anything to me. I'm helping him because I'm the only one of his friends who has the skill to make the potion."

"Still, it's strange," Sirius commented. "We haven't been out of school that long, but I know I haven't lost my touch. I've got the looks, it's obvious I have money. I don't understand how he got all those numbers without trying. And I know he wasn't trying because I heard what the women were saying. 'Oh Remus,'" Sirius began in an imitation of a woman's voice. "'You've got such a sweet, young face. You've got such big hands. You're practically bursting through the seams of those white trousers.'" Peter snorted at this. Sirius knitted his hands under his chin and fluttered his thick eyelashes. "'Why don't you come into the back room and let me make you a man?'"

He rolled his eyes and dropped his hands. "And then this wanker just shrugs it off, buys them drinks and asks them about their lives and other nonsense. No offense, but every woman we met last night should've been all over me and—"

"I don't know how you do it," James interrupted. He tilted his head to the side and peered at Sirius through narrowed eyes.

"Do what?" Sirius asked.

"You appear to be standing as normal before us, but you still manage to have your head so far up your own arse—" James stopped as Lily slapped at his arm. The rebuke lost its desired affect when she began laughing, joining Remus and Peter.

"Look, I don't care if you believe me or not. Just because you've been henpecked so long you don't know if you've got skills anymore—"

"Oh, he's got them," Lily said.

"More than we needed to know," Peter said.

"I second that," Sirius added. "I just find what happened last night strange."

"You're just being a child because you lost a stupid bet," James said. "There's nothing wrong with those women or with Remus. They liked him."

"That's not the issue! _He_ doesn't like _them_. So…so…"

"So it's not fair?" Peter asked. "Maybe you should have him introduce you to girls the next time you go out."

"Oh, my stomach feels bad enough as it is. Don't make me think of a next time," Remus said. He opened the first vial of potion Lily had brought for him and drank it in one gulp, following it with a few sips of tea.

"Maybe that'll be your prize for winning the bet," Lily said. "He'll be forced to troll for women who don't know any better on his own. Unless you can think of something else you'd like Sirius to do."

Remus felt himself begin to blush as he imagined what he could get Sirius into, but didn't have time for the thoughts to settle as his friend interrupted his musing.

"I'm not even sure the bet was fair," Sirius remarked. He crossed his arms. "For all I know, he was passing out love potions all night."

"Why would you think Remus would do that?" Peter asked.

"Because it's something he would do," James answered, rolling his eyes. "Face it, you're not even a week out of school and losing your touch. May as well get a dozen cats and wait for your joints to tell you when it's going to rain."

"I think we'll save that scenario for Lily's friends." Sirius smiled at her. "How are Crabby and Boring these days?"

"Gabby and Lauren are just fine, no thanks to you. They seem to have fully recovered from Saturday's disaster." Lily punctuated this with a frown.

"What happened Saturday?" James asked.

Sirius grinned. "Okay, you remember that thing I told you I wanted to try with an old Snitch, a jar of honey, a length of rope and a Switching Spell?"

James's mouth dropped open. "You didn't!"

"What?" Peter asked.

"I—you don't want to know," James said after a moment of silence. From the expression on Sirius's face, Remus was sure he was right. Familiar with Sirius's level of depravity, Remus knew a weekend party that involved endless reserves of alcohol and willing females was probably full of stories that were better off untold. Especially with Lily in the room.

James continued to stare at Sirius for a minute before they both burst out laughing. "I can't believe they even let you—" He broke off as he caught Lily's glare out of the corner of his eye. He tried to force the grin from his lips, but gave up after a few seconds. "The important thing is, no one was permanently injured."

"Besides that, my little flower, they are both consenting adults," Sirius remarked. "If it was really an issue, I suspect you would've said something to me days ago."

"If I'd known, I would have."

"Ooh. They're keeping secrets from you now?"

Lily smirked at him. "Apparently, it took a few days for the scars to heal. They weren't really seeing or speaking to anyone."

"Of course not," James said. "Not if the spell—never mind." He glanced at his watch. "I'm going to escort Lily to work. I'll see you later to work on that thing?"

"Already taken care of," Sirius said. "Finished it yesterday."

"That leaves me free too, then," Peter said. He gestured towards Remus. "You better get dressed."

He took a sip of his tea. "Why? What's going on?"

"I got my boss to agree to interview you this morning. I think we have about twenty minutes before he expects you."

"You realize that doesn't give him enough time to obsess over his outfit and play with his hair," Sirius said.

"Funny," Lily said, crossing her arms. "I thought that was just you and James spending hours a day making yourselves pretty."

Sirius smiled. "You know, jealousy is not a good look on you." He ran a hand over his hair, making the short spikes stick up. "One of these days you'll get that Beautifying Potion to work and—"

"And then I can work on that head extracting spell for you," Lily said. "You really should pull it out or risk a permanent sprain in your neck."

"If anything's a permanent pain in my—"

"Later, Sirius," James said. He smiled and pulled Lily out of the room, small smiles touching both their mouths. A minute later, the swishing sound from the fireplace in the parlor indicated that they had left.

Remus finshed off his tea in one gulp and placed the cup in the sink. "I need to get dressed. I'll see you later?"

Sirius nodded. "Good luck today."

Remus knew the news was evident on his face the moment he walked upstairs. He met Sirius in the hallway and, as the other man's face fell, he cursed himself for not being able to hide things. Not from his friends. Not when he was feeling weak. As things were turning out, he was feeling weak in a number of areas these days.

"What did he say?"

Remus lifted one shoulder in a shrug that was more casual than he felt. "The usual. He isn't sure if customers will be comfortable with me—"

"Which is complete crap." Sirius's brows drew together. "How are they going to know you're a werewolf? It's not like you'll be wearing a sign."

Remus sighed. "He doesn't feel it's fair to the other employees that I'll have guaranteed days off every month and he can't be sure I won't lose my temper and hurt someone."

Sirius shook his head, but didn't say anything else. Not that there was much to add. Remus had expected worse, and had heard as much from other shop owners earlier in the week. He suspected the only reason he'd heard the nice version of the excuses this time was because one of his friends worked there and was easily within earshot of the entire conversation in the quiet shop.

"I know what you're thinking. It's ridiculous. I should've taken Dumbledore up on his offer and accepted his letter of recommendation. I still might," Remus said. "But for now, I don't want to talk about it. I just want to think of something a lot more positive than being hated for something I can't help."

And that reality had kept Remus walking around Diagon Alley the rest of the morning and into the early afternoon, long since after he'd faced his most recent rejection. It wasn't enough to be embarrassed in front of Wormtail after his friend had begged for an interview on his behalf. But the pitying looks from customers who knew he'd been turned down for a job had forced him to wander alone until he calmed the anger and frustration Cecil Goode had feared. And until he grew brave enough to face the reaction he knew he'd draw from Sirius – a mixture of indigation and a healthy measure of outrage on his behalf.

Remus felt all the same frustration, but had long since grown resigned to the way people would always treat him. What he thought he would never grow accustomed to was the support he received from his friends. It had been a revelation when they were eleven and stunned Remus to this day. They had no way of knowing what his life was like and he couldn't make them fully understand. Not really. All Remus could do was accept their help when he had no other choice, listen to their arguments when they felt he was being mistreated and pretend the whole bother didn't embarrass him as much as it sustained him. All talk of pride aside, Remus knew that if he could express what he truly felt without a change overtaking him, he'd give the people who wouldn't suffer his presence a real reason to fear the werewolf within. Barring that, he had his friends to get angry on his behalf and couldn't be more grateful.

He'd closed his eyes as he'd pictured the owner of Quality Quidditch Supplies and opened them to find Sirius staring at him, a familiar defiance tilting his lips at one corner.

"You should embrace it."

"Embrace what?"

"Your true nature," Sirius answered. "Bugger what other people think. You get to go wild for a few days a month and forget those fear-mongering bigots exist."

"I don't see—"

"I want to show you something." He glanced over Remus's clothes. "Put on something more comfortable and meet me down in the kitchen. I have something for you. I was going to wait until later, but I think you could use the boost now."

"What could you possibly have to show me that will make me feel better?" Remus asked.

Sirius grinned. "No hints. Just change clothes and meet me downstairs."

When Remus came down in the kitchen, he found his friend shifting from foot to foot nervously. Sirius grinned as Remus walked across the floor towards him. He rubbed his hands together.

Remus looked around the kitchen. Nothing had changed from that morning, including the dishes placed in the sink after everyone had eaten breakfast. "What do you have to show me?"

Sirius pointed towards a door in the corner. "It's in the basement."

"I thought you weren't using it."

"No, I said I don't want you cleaning in here," Sirius said, opening the door. "Now you'll find out why." He motioned Remus towards the dark staircase and held the door open until he walked ahead.

"There's nothing that stings, slithers or bites down here, is there?"

"I believe we've left Snape and his friends far behind," Sirius responded. "The truth is, James and I got you something to help out with your change every month. Lily isn't the only one who does things for you."

Knowing his friends, it might be extra-large restraints. Or another werewolf to play with, if it were up to Sirius. He was always trying to get his friends to have as active a social life as his. It wasn't beyond reason that he might've found Remus a "friend" for a few days. He'd had no qualms asking if Remus felt any sexual feelings when he was under the influence of a full moon. Apparently, Sirius found the possibility of nearly tearing one's partner apart in the act stimulating. That was a fact Remus mentally filed under Things I Need To Prove. Considering that Sirius had done a few strange things in the past few days, Remus didn't think it would take more than a couple of bottles of firewhiskey and a stronger than usual suggestion to test this theory. Of course, he'd believed James was half in love with Sirius until his growing obsession with Lily had proved otherwise.

Remus neared the end of the stairs and turned back, waiting until Sirius had joined him before he turned, ducked under a low-hanging beam and continued to the bottom. He stared forward in surprise. Just a few feet beyond the stairs, the concrete floor of the basement transitioned into smooth grass. Looking beyond it, Remus noticed the entire space had become a wide valley filled with late afternoon sunlight. As he looked around, a smattering of trees to his left swayed under a strong breeze. Clouds moved across the expanse of a deep blue sky. Remus turned back to his friend. "What—when—how did you do this?"

Sirius grinned. "This was the other thing James and I worked on over Easter break. Peter helped us put the finishing touches on it this week. I thought you'd need someplace a bit nicer than the Shrieking Shack once we were out of school. I bought a house on a hill so there'd be a lot of space underground." He pointed outward and gestured to the right and left. "The valley goes about two miles in each direction. That should give you plenty of room to run around all night and it'll feel like you're really outdoors. James even put in a small pond towards the far end. Once you're in, the barrier will keep you from leaving until morning," he said, pointing to the line where the basement floor began. "I had planned to let you use it on your visits if you had no place else to go, but since your parents put you out, you can have the use of it every month."

"This is wonderful," Remus said. An understatement, he knew, but he couldn't find adequate words. What might've taken others years of Charms work to accomplish, his friends had put together in a matter of days. Remus didn't want to think about what level of enchantments would be required to maintain such a complicated environment. "I don't know how to thank you. I really thought you had gotten me unbreakable chains or something similar."

"I had considered it," Sirius said. "James told me that I had the other days of the month to play kinky games with you." He winked. "We both agreed that you'd be more comfortable with something like this after spending years locked up every month. It was Peter's idea to make the entrance look like that grove of trees in the middle of the Forbidden Forest."

"The one where you first used your Animagus forms."

Sirius nodded.

"Again, I—" Remus stopped. Sometimes, it truly amazed him how sweet Sirius could be when he didn't think anyone would notice. Even the location of his house had been chosen with his friend in mind.

"You're welcome," Sirius said, a brusque manner to his words. "I think Lily put those dragon steaks down that way," he said, pointing. "Those things are huge; I doubt you'll be able to finish them."

"You obviously have no idea how big my appetite is," Remus responded. He caught sight of a faint grin from Sirius before he stepped forward and approached the grass marking the barrier.

Sirius put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. "Are you sure you want to go in now? You've got a few hours and you won't be able to come out until you change back," he reminded him.

Remus nodded. "I'm done with the real world for today." He pulled his wand out of his pocket and tossed it onto the lush grass. He began unbuttoning his shirt. "The sun should be setting in a little while. Care to join me for a swim?"

Sirius grinned as Remus tossed his shirt onto the ground and began unbuttoning his trousers. He began unbuttoning his own shirt. "I'll race you there."  


* * *

  
After three days of running under the sun and moonlight with his best friend, Remus felt like a new man. James and Peter had joined them on the second night, but mostly he was able to enjoy the rare treat of having Sirius to himself. They'd howled in harmony under the twinkling stars and ran themselves to exhaustion until the first pinks and oranges tinted the sky overhead.

On this last morning, Remus lay near the grove of trees, feeling the last of the night's breezes ruffle his fur as the sky lightened from a dark blue to a mixture of faint rose and orange. He felt his claws retract and his body return to normal size just before the grass shifted beneath his newly returned skin. A panting near his head forced him to turn his attention away from the vision overhead to the black dog at his side. As he watched, Sirius began his transition from dog back to human, shaking his head briskly as the transformation was complete. He held out a hand to Remus and helped him to his feet.

"I've never seen you like that before," Sirius remarked.

"Like what?"

"Peaceful." Sirius offered him a small, sleepy smile. "If I'd known all it would take to make you happy was running wild with me for a few days, I might have snapped you out of that monthly brooding years ago."

_If only you knew how you could truly make me happy_, Remus thought. He smiled. "If you really want to make me smile, there are plenty of things you could do with me. Letting me chase you across the grass isn't one of them." Remus had raised his arms in a wide stretch when the slow grin curving Sirius's mouth made him think back to what he'd just said. He hadn't meant to say something quite that…bold. Not that Sirius would believe him, if his expression was any indication. Remus blamed the slip on the tiredness that was just beginning to seep into his bones and had obviously affected his ability to self-censor.

"So." Sirius took a step back and eyed Remus up and down slowly. The werewolf's bare toes curled into the grass as his friend's eyes traveled below his stomach, lingered and then continued their perusal. "I was just teasing the other night, but I had no idea you really have a thing for me. Still. After all this time."

Remus frowned. "I do not still have the same feelings I had when we were fourteen." He swore under his breath.

"Ah, so these are new feelings." Sirius smiled "And why, exactly, did this whole thing start up again?" He glanced down at himself. "Or do I even have to ask?"

"Nothing has 'started up again.'" Remus said. "James was right, you do have your head stuck up your—"

"I'm not that vain," Sirius said. Remus snorted. "Not without reason. And I'm not crazy, you're practically drooling."

"What do you expect from me?" Remus asked. "You're bare-arsed and not ugly. I'd have to be dead not to notice. And you'd be insulted if I didn't." Sirius smiled at this. "Stop making it out like I've joined your silly fan club. You've said you don't care if I look and if you've got such a problem with it, maybe you should try putting some clothes on. Or I could move out." He took several steps backwards until his feet hit the cold stone floor of the basement. "That's probably the right idea. I should move in with James." He turned to go up the stairs.

"Why are you being so silly about this?" Sirius broke into a short run until he caught up with Remus on the stairs. He grabbed his shoulder and forced him to turn. "I was just—"

"You were just teasing the only gay bloke you know about having a crush on you because that's just about the funniest thing you can imagine. I'm apparently too weak to not look while you can't even—" Remus broke off, turning away and taking a deep breath.

Sirius squeezed his arm and waited several moments in silence. "I can't even what?"

_Can't even think about the possibility. Can't take me seriously for more than a few seconds. Can't be the object of my frustration without the worry in those eyes and a pout in those lips that make me forget why I was angry to begin with._

"You can't see how rude it is to tease me about something like that," Remus said quietly. "I know you don't understand being gay—"

"I do. As much as I can, at least."

Remus turned to face Sirius. "Then you understand that I can't just turn off what I feel or who I find attractive. And you can't throw yourself in my face and expect me to ignore it. My entire lifestyle not a joke."

"And you can't get defensive over a harmless comment."

"It wasn't harmless," Remus said. "That's what you don't get. I—" _I can't get you out of my head and it's driving me crazy._

"You what?" Sirius asked.

"I think we should set up some boundaries or I really will have to move out," Remus said. "I'm all for the odd joke every once in a while, but I have to know you respect me."

_And I have to be able to respect myself after being too much of a coward to go after what I want. That will be so much easier if you'd stop shoving my obvious feelings in my face._ Remus ran up the stairs quickly and through the house until he was enclosed in his bedroom. As he watched the rest of the sunrise over the houses in the valley below, he made a promise to himself. Remus would never lose control with Sirius again. He wasn't sure he could trust himself to not do everything Sirius practically dared him to do. He knew if he took that first step, there'd be no going back.


	5. Signals

Politeness. Cool civility was more like it, but Remus wanted to pretend there was something slightly more friendly about the new attitude Sirius had adopted. After the words they'd exchanged that fateful morning, Sirius had taken great pains to be the model roommate. He treated Remus with the polite indifference one might come to expect from living with a casual acquaintance. He supposed Sirius was right to feel put off after the uncharacteristic outburst, but it felt awkward to be treated that way all the same. Remus hadn't felt a comparable lack of interest from his friend since they'd first met, when Sirius had glanced over him standing in their first year dorm as if he were of no more importance than the furniture.

If he wanted to be truthful, Remus had no concrete reason to complain about how the last week and a half had passed. There were no more surprise nude appearances, a minimum number of off-color jokes exchanged—and then, only when their friends were around—and the general air around the two of them had drained of tension. Sexual tension, at least. Now, there was something else taking its place. Something Remus couldn't quite put his finger on. Whatever it was, he wasn't sure he liked it. But anything was better than feeling as if his every move was being scrutinized to become a future punch line.

He had come into the kitchen early to fix himself breakfast. Breakfast being a euphemism for the dry toast he was forcing himself to eat because he couldn't stomach anything heavier before heading out for another job interview. Remus had just made himself tea when Sirius sauntered into the room, looking as if half of him was still in bed. He scratched at his hip though his pajamas and held out his cup wordlessly. After a brief attempt to steady his hands, Remus poured the tea.

Blinking hard, Sirius wiped at his eyes with the heel of one hand before dumping several spoonfuls of sugar into his cup and slurping the strong brew. He motioned to the folded letter next to Remus's plate. "Where is it this time?"

"Flourish and Blotts," Remus responded.

"The bookstore seems like a good fit. I hope this one works out better than the last place."

Remus shrugged. "I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't stop trying. I'm sure Dumbledore's tired of firing off these recommendation letters for me every couple of days. That is, if he hasn't pre-written a few of them."

"I doubt that, they're getting more strongly worded each time," Sirius said. "If you need another, it might contain a threat to hex whoever doesn't hire you."

Remus gave a half-hearted smile. Their former Headmaster might have taken to describing Remus as if he were the smartest wizard to ever leave Hogwarts since he'd attended, but Albus Dumbledore's words hadn't quite taken on the air of threats. More like, they subtly addressed the desperate nature of his former student's situation without flat-out begging someone to hire him. Rather than a threat the next time, he was more likely to ask someone to employ 'the outstanding and ambitious Mr. Lupin' as a personal favor. And even then...

"Even if a threat came from Dumbledore, I'm not sure that'd do the trick."

Sirius studied his friend for several long moments. His steady gaze dropped to the tea cup cradled in his hands. "Have you tried snapping at someone and demanding they respect you? I've heard that could garner better than decent results." His voice was silky, but the words dripped with bitter venom. Remus was taken aback. That was the first time Sirius had mentioned their conversation since it happened. He hadn't even bothered meeting his friend's eyes as he got in the small dig. Before Remus could respond, he finished his tea and turned to place the cup in the sink. "I'm going out. Good luck." Without turning back to look at him, Sirius left the kitchen.

Remus listened for the footsteps on the stairs before returning to his toast. It had grown cold. No, he couldn't put his finger on the exact feeling, but there was something to the quiet kind of distance that had settled between them like a wall. It wasn't anger that he'd stood up for himself, but almost a petulance that Remus had finally told Sirius there was a subject he couldn't twist into a joke to make himself comfortable with it. The only time he'd ever taken the subject of Remus's sexuality seriously was the day he'd found out. Remus had been the target of ongoing jokes since then; mostly a mild kind of ribbing he found he could handle easily. But this demand of his that Sirius treat his desires as he would anyone else's was new territory. One his friend did not find to his liking. Remus was left to wonder why.  


* * *

  
Remus could hardly believe it when David Knight gave him the news, but there it was, in living color: his new name tag and the dark blue robes that identified him as an assistant at Flourish and Blotts. His new boss hadn't bothered reading the recommendation letter penned by his former Headmaster. He'd just stated that he remembered Remus from his yearly trips into the store to buy his school books, several of which ended with Remus helping other students find their way around the tall maze-like shelves. His personality and penchant for reading were a perfect fit for the store and the job was his after a shaky smile and a handshake.

If anyone had told Remus it would be that easy, he would've asked when they were going to wake from the dream. As it was, he felt as if he were dreaming as he traveled home, his steps feather-light as he ran up the stairs to tell Sirius the news. The other boy's bedroom had been empty; he wasn't lounging next to the pool or scrounging for snacks in the refrigerator either. Remus had begun to consider the basement when he heard a swishing sound coming from the parlor, followed by several voices.

"I'm sure that's true," Lily shouted. "But one wouldn't know that from the tone of her letters."

"I can't help it if girls think things that aren't true. I'm certainly not feeding her delusions."

"You're not exactly fighting them either."

Remus frowned. James and Lily arguing again. _What set her off this time?_

"Honestly, Evans. It's not like he can refuse to accept the letters," Sirius said. As Remus entered the room, he spotted the three of them standing just before the fireplace. Lily was off to one side, tapping one foot rapidly. James and Sirius stood a couple of feet away, arms crossed and legs wide in a mirrored defensive stance. "If I remember correctly, your own owl was pretty damn persistent when she wanted to deliver one of your love notes in the middle of the night."

"So you admit they're love notes?" Lily asked.

James rolled eyes. "Sirius can't admit to something he knows nothing about. Girls write to me. It happens. I usually have a good laugh over them and then bin them. I never expected you'd read one and take it seriously."

"Perhaps you shouldn't have kept it next to your _bed_," Lily said. "I can't believe you expect me to be all right with strange women inviting you into their beds in the middle of the night."

James sighed. "I don't expect anything of the sort." He glanced at the doorway. "Remus, tell her these silly girls won't leave me alone. It's not like it isn't clear to everyone who knows us that we've been together for the better part of this year."

"I—"

"Don't bring Remus into this," Lily said. "It's bad enough you've got your partner in crime lined up to lie for you, but—"

"Lily, calm down," Remus said. She stopped and turned to him, her bottom lip pushed out in a pout when he stepped up next to her. "James is right. He's been getting letters like this pretty much since he first joined the house Quidditch team." He placed a hand on her arm. "Maybe this girl thinks she has a better chance now that we're out of school."

Lily exhaled heavily and crossed her arms. "And there's nothing to the fact that James hasn't written back to explain that he is most certainly not single and definitely not available to lick ice cream off of her?"

"Oh, it was Susan?" Sirius interrupted. "Always liked that girl. Real focused, that one."

Lily's eyes narrowed. "I thought you threw the letters away."

James shrugged. "That doesn't mean my roommates couldn't take them out of the trash."

"And this one's a repeat offender?"

Remus squeezed her arm. "Lily, if he writes to them, even to say no, it only gets worse."

"Yeah, found that out the hard way after we beat Slytherin in sixth year. McGonagall actually had to restrict two girls in Hufflepuff from writing to anyone on the team," James said.

"That worked until one of them convinced that brunette in Ravenclaw to write the letters for them," Sirius added. "You should've seen the pictures they included. Really, Evans, you should be flattered so many women want Potter. He's got a lot of options, but he wants you."

"Yes, I'm sure by your logic my boyfriend's stalkers are a compliment," Lily said. She sighed and turned to Remus. She smiled; the gesture softened her face. "How have you been? I'm sure living with this one for nearly two weeks has made you think twice about who you find attractive."

_Oh, she has no idea._ Remus grinned. "Actually, I have good news." He looked around. Sirius had disappeared. "I got the job at Flourish and Blotts. I start tomorrow."

"Ooh, fantastic." A cloud of perfume enveloped him as Lily latched onto Remus in a tight hug. She rubbed his back before pulling away. "We should go out to celebrate. There's a restaurant not too far from the Apothecary I've been meaning to try."

"Good for you," James said. "But I can't make it to dinner tonight. Maybe another time."

"Who said you were invited?" Lily smiled and motioned towards the door. "Go see if Sirius wants to join us. Then maybe we can track Peter down before he leaves work."

Remus nodded and left the room. He went up the stairs two at a time. It had been a long time since anything had made him this happy. The thought of celebrating his first job with his best friend had him practically floating down the hall until he stood outside Sirius's bedroom. Remus had forgotten about the cool exchange they'd had that morning until he knocked on the door and the slight smile on Sirius's face dropped when he looked up.

"Something I can do for you?"

Remus cleared his throat. He didn't know why, but he was suddenly nervous. Tension made his back stiffen and his throat dry. Sirius turned to his closet and opened the double doors with a quick flick of his wand as he walked across the room.

"I got the job," Remus said.

"Congratulations." Sirius began sliding hangers across the bar, flitting through a selection of colorful shirts.

"We—Lily thinks we should have dinner to celebrate."

"Sounds lovely. I'm sure you and your girlfriend will have a fantastic time." Sirius looked at the shirts for several more seconds before stopping. "Is there something else?"

"I was hoping you'd come with us."

Sirius turned to him, one eyebrow raised. "You want me to come? Funny. I'd gotten the impression that you weren't too terribly fond of spending time with me."

"What? Because I said I don't want you teasing me?"

Sirius gave a short, humorless laugh. "Teasing is a funny concept. You practically invited me to tease you from the day you moved into this house. Couldn't stop staring at me, blushing every time I made a crack. It was cute, at first. You did everything in your power to keep the games going until it got to be a little too much." He turned back to look through his clothes. "And your little self-righteous speech last week was pretty damn interesting. I've been talking to you like that for over three years, but you didn't have a problem with it until now. I don't have to guess why."

"Your guess would probably be wrong," Remus said. "I do not have any sort of feelings for you. Short of friendship. You're one of my best friends. Of course I reacted strongly."

"Right. Because you always talk to whomever you feel closest to in that chastising Prefect voice. I swear, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were McGonagall's son, the way you rant about things." Sirius pulled a black shirt from a hanger and levitated it to his bed. "Your defensiveness speaks for itself. Just because I understand why doesn't mean I have to like the way you spoke to me."

_So, that was the reason he'd been acting so strangely. He'd actually been hurt. This from the man who takes potshots at everyone. Of course, most people say nothing in response._ Remus sighed. "Look, I didn't mean anything more than what I said."

"Of course not," Sirius scanned the row of trousers and quickly pulled a pair from the hanger. The clothing joined his shirt on the bed. "But you've gotten your wish, right?"

"My wish? I only want us to act as normal," Remus said.

Sirius laughed again. "Obviously not. You couldn't handle that, remember? Either way, the thing is done now. I won't tease you. No jokes. No…dangling a bone in front of you." A corner of his mouth lifted slightly. He walked out of the closet, brushing past Remus with a light push on the shoulder. "The last thing you want is temptation being shoved in your face and the last thing I want is—" Sirius turned back to him. "Well, you can guess."

"No, I can't guess," Remus said. "Tell me, since you're in such a chatty mood tonight."

Sirius stared at him; his gaze started at his friend's face and traveled downward slowly. "You liked every bit of that teasing, didn't you? " Sirius whispered. "Don't bother denying it." Remus felt a tingling begin low on his back and move to settle between his legs. His face warmed and he knew he was blushing again as Sirius's eyes settled on his face. "See how you're responding now? Like every word and gesture is an invitation." He said the last word in a faint purr. After a few seconds, Sirius broke eye contact and turned back to survey his clothes on the bed.

"The last thing I want is you saying or doing something around me that you can't take back. We're fine as friends, but neither of us needs the drama of you…feeling whatever over me."

Remus shook his head quickly and blinked hard. He couldn't make sense of it. There was something off about the way Sirius was speaking to him, definitely at odds with his harsh words. "There is no drama," Remus said finally. "I just…" He didn't know what to say. What exactly was he claiming was happening if he wasn't feeling something for the wrong person?

"You just couldn't find something funny that you'd never had an issue with before," Sirius filled in. "We both know why you suddenly have a problem with it. The truth has a way of hitting hard. I suggest you take some time to clear these thoughts you claim you don't have from your mind. In the meantime, I have to get ready." Sirius reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it off in one swift move. The muscles in his stomach and chest bunched and flexed as he tossed the shirt onto the floor and stretched. Remus licked his lips. "James and I are going out. I'm not sure when I'll be back. Don't wait up for me."

He reached for the zip on his trousers and stopped when he noticed Remus staring at him. A corner of his mouth flickered upward briefly. "Do you mind?"

Remus stared blankly for a moment before shaking his head quickly. "Oh, right. Of course. I suppose I'll see you in the morning, then. Good night." He turned to make his escape, barely hearing Sirius's parting words as he walked quickly down the hallway.

He'd nearly made a fool of himself. Again. Either Remus should confess the lust he was having trouble dismissing or try again to convince Sirius he'd been telling the truth when he told him he felt nothing. Though, from their last exchange, it was quite obvious Remus was only lying to one of them and it wasn't Sirius.  


* * *

  
It wasn't purely his imagination. There had been invitation, even if only on the surface. To look, to admire, to fantasize about what he couldn't have. There was even something in the way Sirius had looked at him as he'd chastised him, however brief. But his words had an impact. Remus couldn't deny that he was setting himself up for a fall by seriously considering anything more than friendship. And if he'd ever thought it could be a real possibility, there was a fair chance he was only believing what he wanted to believe.

Lily had tried to keep his spirits up during dinner, but Remus's mind had constantly taken him back to Sirius. The look in his eyes when he'd accused him of being unable to handle the games they were playing. The derisive tilt to his lips when he'd read Remus's reaction to him as easily as if he'd spoken his thoughts aloud. Sirius was right, and they both knew it. Remus had to get control of his hormones and learn to lighten up again where Sirius was concerned. But the boundaries were still a good idea. He didn't need the temptation to make a move, nor did he need to constantly wonder if he'd done the impossible—made Sirius change his mind. As if a mere change of thought is what would be required for something to happen between them. In short, it would take a miracle. After finding a place to live and getting a job, Remus was pretty sure his quota on those was filled.

When he'd come home the night before, Sirius's bedroom door had been closed, the entire house silent. Remus had spent most of the night sleeplessly wondering if his outburst from the week before had caused irreparable damage to their friendship. But today was a new day. There was no more need for talk. He would go back to acting like everything was normal between them, and eventually it would feel genuine. As Remus finished putting on his clothes for work, he began repeating a new mantra to himself. _I can handle any challenge. Even in the form of Sirius Black._

Leaving his bedroom, he paused on the way to the stairs and doubled back to Sirius's door. It was early, but he wasn't sure if his roommate was awake—or even if he'd returned from his night with James. He twisted the door knob slowly, knowing Sirius would be livid if he was awoken from a deep sleep. What he saw when he opened the door and took a step inside made Remus freeze in his tracks.

Writhing bodies, grasping hands and questing lips worked together as they moved in the center of the bed. Remus's nose wrinkled and he took a step back. He could smell the light sheen of sweat along their skin; the heavy musk in the air was unfamiliar, but he identified the source straight away. One of the women giggled and pushed her dark hair to the side, allowing Sirius to run his lips and tongue along her collarbone, then lower. The other, a blonde, maneuvered herself next to him, panting as his hand teased her beneath the sheet. Remus coughed lightly and grasped at the doorknob. His suddenly sweaty hand slipped. Remus wiped his hand along the front of his robes and then reached for the door knob again. Just before he pulled the door closed, he caught Sirius's gaze. The other man smirked. Remus closed the door.

It took him a long moment, but he began breathing again. After taking a minute to collect himself, he blinked the slight moisture away and made his way downstairs quickly. Thankfully, he now had work as the perfect distraction.


	6. Bravery and Trust

_Self-absorbed asshole. No_, Remus thought. _I shouldn't have gone into his bedroom without knocking. I know better. We'd talked about the bloody boundaries I wanted and the first thing I did was violate them because I wanted to talk to him and make myself feel better._ Remus sighed. _That's a lost cause._

Admitting the facts wasn't making him feel better about how his morning had begun. Thankfully, his day had greatly improved during his training at Flourish and Blotts. By the time he left the store for the day, he had a fair knowledge of the vast inventory the bookstore carried and had even managed to close a difficult sale of a collector's item—a Muggle desk lamp. If Remus had known trivial items that could be found in any library were worth that kind of money, he might have packed a few more things before leaving his parent's house.

As for his new home…Remus was looking forward to returning as much as he wanted to see Sirius and the two girls he'd brought home tangled up in each other again. It had taken hours, and quite a few cups of strong tea, to banish that image from behind his eyelids every time he blinked, but he finally managed to pretend it was a particularly horrific nightmare from which he had been spared by leaving the house early. Remus had convinced himself. Really. Until he walked into the kitchen and spotted Sirius leaning against the refrigerator, nursing a drink. There were a number of light scratches along his face and neck and a dark purple bruise running adjacent to the column of his throat. He smiled as Remus walked into the room.

"How's the real world treating you? Fancy a drink?" He lifted the tumbler in a salute.

"Fine," Remus stated flatly. "And no." He glanced towards the windows. Bright afternoon sunlight streamed through and lit one half of the vast kitchen. "It's a bit early in the day for firewhiskey. Did you find you needed a drink today?"

Sirius smirked. "No, I was quite relaxed for most of today, thank you. Just thought I'd try to get a bit of liquid back into my body. Fun leaves me parched."

"Right." Remus sighed. He was not going to break down and scream at Sirius like a jealous ex-lover. Because he wasn't. He wasn't an ex-lover, at least. He was most certainly jealous, but he also wasn't about to admit that. Not that he needed to. The self-satisfied expression on Sirius's face as he downed the rest of his drink let Remus know none of what he was thinking was a secret.

Sirius lowered the tumbler and licked the last of his drink from his lips slowly. "Is there something you'd like to say to me?"

_I don't suppose a hex counts?_

"No." Remus forced himself to smile. This lie was going to haunt him later, he was sure of it. "Why should I have anything to say?"

"Good," Sirius said. He stood. "So we are really back to normal?"

"As far as I'm concerned, we never stopped being so." _Maybe I will have that drink, after all,_ Remus thought as Sirius left him alone in the kitchen. Courage may come in a bottle sometimes, but he was pretty sure cowardice and a fair measure of salvaged pride could be found at the bottom of one as well. Even if it couldn't, he was damn sure going to pretend it could be. At least, until that little pain in his chest went away.

Sometime during that regrettable bout of drunkenness, Remus developed a plan. Perhaps it wasn't a plan so much as a collection of survival tactics if he was going to continue living in Sirius Black's home. First off, no more ogling. He'd already gotten more than an eyeful, but staring at Sirius even fully dressed was an unnecessary distraction. Second, for every sarcastic remark he received, Remus would give another, if not two. He had to prove to Sirius that he was not about to continue worshipping at the Black altar. Besides, something had to make their friendship feel normal again. Jokes were just the trick. Third, and most importantly, he had to create a social life for himself that didn't involve Sirius. This would be the most difficult. They shared the same friends and the only other person he felt as close to was Lily. If that wasn't a sign that he was in a sad state, Remus didn't know what was. Still, he had to get out and enjoy himself.

Lily had apparently agreed. She'd dragged him out the following Saturday night and forced him to dance until neither of them could stand without wincing over their sore feet. It was excusable, she'd commented, since he looked like he could use some tension relief. As Remus had eyed a few of the men in the club, he'd begun thinking of a different kind of relief. Which immediately brought his mind back to Sirius. Which, in turn, made him order another drink.

After spending another night like this with Remus a week later, Lily became determined to snap him out of his mood. Unfortunately, her idea to snap him out of his mood depended on the help of his friends. He'd been ambushed after coming home from work with a surprise impromptu dinner to belatedly celebrate his job. At least, that was the excuse Lily had given Sirius when she showed up with a large bag of groceries and her stammering boyfriend in tow. By the time Remus had made an appearance, Sirius had downed half a bottle of firewhiskey, James appeared to be looking for the nearest exit and Lily was creating a mess in the kitchen.

"Care to explain why half the house smells like garlic?" Remus asked as he entered the kitchen. He didn't want to mention the other smells coming from the room that rivaled some of the scents from Sirius's bedroom. Lily looked stressed enough.

She turned in his direction. Her long hair swirled around her shoulders, some of it clinging to her neck in damp clumps. Lily's forehead puckered as she frowned. "Damn it. I'd hoped to have dinner finished by the time you came home."

"So I gathered." Remus motioned his head towards the stove. "Need some help? James seems to think you're back here killing a few animals."

"He wouldn't be wrong," Lily said. She pointed to a pan where four raw pork chops lay covered in several cloves of chopped garlic and onions. "Remind me, how do you like yours again?"

"Raw and unseasoned," Remus answered. "You know, you don't have to do this. We've already had a dinner for me. I don't need all this fuss."

"Yes, but your friends weren't there," Lily reminded him. "And you've been so out of sorts later, I thought you could use some time together as a group."

"Right."

"And Sirius has been a moody bastard too," she said. Lily turned to the refrigerator and began pulling out raw vegetables for a salad. "Did you two have a fight?" she asked lightly.

"No," Remus said quickly. Lily heard something in his voice. She turned back to him, her eyes narrowed. "Don't."

"Don't what?" She put the vegetables onto a cutting board and reached into a cabinet for a bowl.

"I know what you're doing and no, I don't need your analysis tonight." He crossed the room and began rummaging inside the refrigerator.

"Don't bother, Sirius is working on the last bottle now," Lily said. "It appears you two have the same taste."

_Hardly. That is the problem._ Remus grabbed a bottle of orange juice and raised it to his lips. When he'd drained it, he turned to find Lily staring at him, a slight disapproving frown on her face. "I don't do this when I know other people are going to drink from it."

"That's not my concern and you know it. What is going on with you?"

"Didn't I just say I don't want to talk about it?"

"No," Lily said. "You don't want me to read you, and that's fine. But the past several times I've seen you, something has been wrong. I've never seen you like this. And if you can't talk to me about it, maybe you could try talking to one of the boys."

_There's a brilliant idea. I can ask James why Sirius doesn't like me and in my next breath, ask Sirius the best method of seducing him._

"If there is anything going on with me, it's up to me how I deal with it," Remus said finally. "Please just leave it alone." He left the kitchen and escaped to his bedroom, silently hoping that Lily would respect his wishes.  


* * *

  
Turns out, it wasn't Lily he had to worry about.

"Ah, His Highness is gracing us with his presence for dinner." Sirius smiled as Remus entered the dining room.

He sat across from James and smiled at Lily. "It looks wonderful. Thank you for doing this."

"What? No thank you for your host?" Sirius asked. Remus looked at the seat next to James and frowned. The firewhiskey bottle was empty, but Sirius had pulled out a bottle of wine from somewhere. "It would beat the silent treatment from you."

Remus glared at Sirius, but said nothing. After a few seconds, he turned to James and smiled. "Is it true you were asked to start Auror training even though you didn't complete the requirements at Hogwarts?"

James nodded. "Minister Bagnold sent me an owl this morning. I don't think it's personal. She's probably just trying to get close to someone who knows Dumbledore. She might approach one of you as well. Our former Headmaster's stopped responding to her messages for help again."

"I'm starting to think everything would be simpler if he'd just accept the Minister for Magic position," Lily said. "He's got a better handle on dealing with Voldemort than anyone."

"I think he's doing the right thing," Sirius said. "Wasn't it enough that he saved us all from what's-his-name a few years ago?"

"Grindelwald," Lily supplied.

"Now they expect him to save us from this madness? No." Sirius took a long drink of his wine. "I heard Dumbledore say once that he tried to warn the previous Headmaster when Voldemort was still a student. No one listened because he was such a model student. Bet they wished they'd listened now."

"I'm not sure they'd have stopped it even if they had paid closer attention," James said. "He was a smooth character, even then. And now Dumbledore's worried because his recruiting efforts are getting more aggressive. He wants us to meet with him tomorrow at seven."

"Us?" Remus asked.

"The entire Order of the Phoenix," James clarified. "He wants to exchange information from a few people in the Ministry and go over personal protection spells and ones we have over our homes."

"If people haven't learned protection spells by now, years after they've left school, what hope do we have in this war?" Sirius asked.

"We don't know that it'll come to a full on war," Lily stated. "We just need to keep ourselves safe."

"Lily, you're being too optimistic as usual," Sirius said. "It's a war we've got. Just remains to see how many people are going to die before it's over."

After that dark declaration, Remus largely tuned out the dinner conversation, only regaining interest when James mentioned that Peter was off with his new girlfriend.

"And you say this one's pretty?" Sirius asked. "She'd be an improvement over the last one then. I thought he might've done well to get her a collar for Valentine's Day."

James chuckled softly before he caught Lily's frown. "She's very pretty. Peter claims he likes her because she shares his interest in Transfiguration. Personally, I think he likes that he only reaches up to her shoulder," James lifted one hand to demonstrate. "Makes it easier to pretend he's listening when she's talking."

"As long as he's looking at her the whole time, and smiling," Sirius said, earning a grin from James. "Well, it's about time he found a girl who might actually pay him personal attention. I was starting to wonder if he only liked my stories because I'm in them."

"He likes them because they're good fiction," James said. "Honestly, if you'd slept with half the girls you claim to have been with, your bits would be rotting off by now."

"You're just jealous that you've never been able to pull them in the way I have. And no," Sirius added, "Before you say anything, I have not lost my touch. I recovered nicely from that little setback the other week." He grinned. Remus suddenly felt nauseated. He stood from his seat and began gathering the glasses onto a nearby tray.

"As a matter of fact, I'll tell you all about it once more sensitive listeners are gone," Sirius said.

"Don't spare your tale for me," Lily said. "If I was easily offended, I'd have given up on the lot of you years ago."

Sirius smiled. "Still, I hear women are sensitive about these things. Let's just say, a good time was had by all. As a matter of fact, they left me their numbers."

James choked out a cough. "They?"

Sirius nodded. "I might invite them over for a weekend encore now that we've all had a chance to rest up. Remus, do we have any whipped cream on hand? I think I've figured out what I want to follow dinner."

Face flushed, Remus directed all of the plates into his hands and walked briskly into the kitchen with the tray of glasses floating before him. He'd just lowered everything into the sink when the door opened and closed behind him. He looked over his shoulder. "Oh, it's you."

"That's the most flattering greeting I've gotten from you in ages." Lily moved to stand next to Remus. As he filled the sink with water, she leaned on her forearms against the counter and looked up at him.

"When are you going to tell him?"

"Tell who what?"

Lily smiled. "Tell your precious Padfoot how you feel."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Right. So it was my imagination that you were making eyes at him across the table. And pretty much any time you're in a room together. If I've been paying attention to the right signs, it's been going on for a while now."

"He's gorgeous," Remus stated. "You've done your fair share of staring at him, if I remember correctly."

"Trying to figure out how he gets his hair to lay like that." Lily smiled again and bumped Remus lightly with her elbow. "But this isn't about me. While the hopeless romantic in me would like to see you with someone, you do know there's a fairly good chance you'll get hurt, and with his habits, even more so if you never say anything." She studied him silently for a moment. "That is, if you haven't been already. That would explain your moods."

Remus sighed. "He wouldn't be interested," he whispered.

"Do you know that for sure?"

Remus thought of the way Sirius had looked at him several nights before. His expression was mocking as he told Remus how much he liked the teasing, in spite of his inability to deal with it. He looked over to Lily and saw that her smile had turned wistful. "I'm almost certain of it. Saying something would just make him uncomfortable." _Or make him laugh. Again._

"Would your rather he did all the talking?"

"What do you mean?"

Lily glanced towards the kitchen door and then turned back to Remus. She slipped her right hand into her left sleeve and pulled out a small glass vial filled with a clear liquid.

"You expect me to give him Amortentia?"

"No," Lily said. "That's not what this is. The Ministry is working on a new formula for interrogation. A delicate mixture of a Babbling Beverage and a rather strong truth serum. Two drops of this and he'll tell you anything you want to know—and probably a few things you don't—for the better part of thirty minutes."

"You can't be serious. Where would you even get something like that?" Remus asked.

"The Auror in charge of this project buys his supplies from the shop." She grinned. "He saw James and I arguing last week and thought I might need this in case I ever grew suspicious."

Remus regarded her with wide eyes. "And?"

"And what? I trust James. I don't need to interrogate him about other women. No matter how many send owls in the dead of night." Lily rolled her eyes. "Plus, if he ever cheated, I'd hex him in ways from which he'd never recover. I'm giving this to you because I think a few drops could let you find out what you need to know without putting yourself out there. Though I do think the Gryffindor thing to do would be to confront him head-on."

"What are the two of you doing back here?" James called from the doorway. Lily hastily shoved the vial into Remus's hand and turned to her boyfriend. "Sirius seems to think I should start worrying about you stealing her from me," he said to Remus.

Remus grinned and slipped his hand into the front pocket of his trousers. "He must really be drunk then, forgotten my type already." He took a step forward. "You know I only have eyes for you."

"Don't say that too loudly, you know how jealous he gets. We're lucky he hasn't tried to put Lily out again."

"He's seen me hex someone when pushed," Lily stated as James walked over to her. She slipped her arm around his waist. "I don't think he wants to be on the receiving end of that."

"Receiving end of what?" Sirius leaned against the open doorway and smiled lazily at his friends. "I was feeling a bit lonely back there. What's the meeting in here about?"

"Just trying to decide if we should have dessert," Remus said.

"I'm going to have to pass," Lily stated. She glanced at her watch. "I have to be at work early and since dinner started so late, I can't stay."

"Really? I thought you said—" Lily elbowed James in his side and he coughed twice. "I need to escort Lily home before she wilts. You know she needs her ten hours of sleep every night." James smiled and took Lily's hand. "Floo me if you're up in time for lunch tomorrow," he said to Sirius. "Otherwise, don't forget the meeting tomorrow night."

"As if I could forget Dumbledore expecting us at school at our usual detention hour," Sirius drawled. "My assistant will make sure I'm there."

"Is assistant a step up from house-elf or down?" Remus asked.

"With Sirius, would it make a difference?" Lily leaned over to kiss Remus on the cheek. "Think about what I said," she whispered. She smiled at Sirius as she crossed the room. "Try to be good."

"What would be the fun in that?" he asked.

James gave a lazy salute and the couple walked out of the kitchen and into the dining room. Sirius stood in the doorway watching Remus, not speaking until they heard the swish from the fireplace in the parlor.

"What was really going on in here? What was Lily whispering to you?"

"Nothing," Remus said. Too quickly.

"I've never had reason not to trust you before, but you've been keeping an awful lot of secrets lately." His voice was suddenly sharper, sounding less drunk than he had a minute before.

Remus laughed softly and turned away from Sirius. He pulled out his wand and began directing a sponge to scrub a plate above the sink. "You say that like you'd ever know if I was hiding something."

"I was the first of us to guess you're a werewolf," Sirius reminded him. He definitely didn't sound drunk then. "And I was also the first to notice…you have different romantic interests than the rest of us."

Remus stiffened and the plate in front of him dropped a few inches in the air. "What's your point?"

"My point is that I'm not stupid. I can tell when something is going on with you." Sirius stepped closer and stopped in the spot where Lily had been minutes earlier. "It's not like you to run out of the room any time the conversation gets a little bawdy. I can't even tell if that's what was bothering you; you've been behaving so strangely lately."

_Right. Because I'm the one bringing strangers home for sex and taunting my friend with jokes at his expense? No. I'm the one desperately trying to pretend like everything is normal when it couldn't be further from the way things used to be._

Remus frowned and his grip on his wand tightened. "How have I been behaving strangely?"

The plate dipped again in mid-air and Sirius pulled out his wand. He moved it to the empty sink before turning to his friend. Remus continued to face the wall in front of him, sure his emotions were all over his face at that point. "Snapping at me the other week ring a bell? You've been distracted, jumpy, spending a lot of time alone in that bedroom." Sirius placed a hand on his shoulder and Remus pulled out of his grasp before turning to face him. Goose bumps sprang out on his arms when he saw the concern in Sirius's eyes.

"Is it me? Did I do something else to bother you?" Sirius asked. "If this is about the other week, I might've told you I was having girls over, but I didn't think you'd care. Especially since you keep telling me there isn't reason for you to care."

"I don't," Remus said. "It's your house, you can have whomever you want, whenever you want." And that was the problem. Not Sirius, but Remus's inability to deal with the reality of his situation. No amount of truth serum was going to make Sirius confess feelings he wasn't built to feel for another man. It certainly wasn't going to stop him from having every woman who welcomed his company.

"So, what's wrong? You're not sick, are you? It's too soon for—"

"I'm fine," Remus said. "I've just had a lot of thinking to do lately."

"Thinking about what?"

"About my options."

"Like where you want to live?" Sirius asked slowly.

_And why I'm putting myself through this._

"I've already told you, you can stay as long as you want," Sirius said. "All joking aside, you're my friend and I love having you."

Remus swallowed hard and nodded.

"Look, if you decide you're ready to tell me what's going on—the truth," he added as Remus opened his mouth to protest, "I'll be in the hot tub. Come up and we'll talk." After waiting a few more seconds for a response, Sirius turned and headed for the stairs, leaving Remus wanting to yell his frustration into the now empty room.  


* * *

  
Twenty minutes later, the kitchen was clean and Remus was headed up to his bedroom. He had a lot of thinking to do. First, he had to decide how he was going to get these thoughts of Sirius out of his head before he drove himself crazy. Second, he had to think of an excuse for his behavior. Somehow, Remus didn't think "I want you so badly I can barely see straight" was the answer Sirius demanded from him, however true. Third, he had to get rid of the potion Lily had given him before he was tempted to use it.

_Right. Like I wasn't tempted when I thought it was a love potion._ Remus frowned as he slowly climbed the stairs. So, Lily thought he was desperate. The question was, how close was she to being right? He had to admit, Lily Evans had a way of being right about everything. He was long past feeling desperate where Sirius was concerned. The real question was, what would he do about it if thinking about the situation came to nothing?

He needed to come clean, however much the idea bothered him. Thinking this, Remus was immediately reminded of a phrase he'd heard once: You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty. In his case, he supposed the clean would be his conscience and the dirty to follow would be the muddy waters of their friendship. Sirius had already warned him, but he couldn't continue to lie, regardless of the possible consequences.

Remus walked into his bedroom and closed the door behind him. Before he could take a step, a large hand slammed his shoulder into the door. Sirius moved closer, until their faces were inches apart. "Look, I'm tired of waiting for you to finally speak up. Tell me what's going on or I'll have to force it out of you."

Remus winced and tried to move his shoulder. "And you had to assault me for this?"

Sirius frowned and released his hold. He took a step back. "I tried asking you what was wrong like a normal person, but you stayed in the kitchen and pouted. Tell me what's going on with you right now because I can't take any more of you skulking around like a wounded animal. Are you sick?"

"I might be," Remus answered. "No, not like that," he added as Sirius's face fell.

"Like what, exactly?"

"I must be a glutton for punishment." He glanced down to where Sirius stood only a few steps from where he leaned against the door. Remus clenched his fingers into fists to stop himself from grabbing the lapels of Sirius's shirt and pulling him closer. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Sirius had taken a shower after he'd come upstairs. The smell of alcohol was gone. All that was left was the maddening scent of the man himself, one that made Remus want to strip off his shirt and run his tongue along Sirius's collarbone.

"You were right about me, the other week. I've been thinking about you, fantasizing really, and it got to be too much. Now that I think back on it, I must have been losing my mind because I thought you were saying more to me than you were." Remus opened his eyes again. Sirius was staring at him, his face expressionless. "You don't have to say anything. I know where you stand. You've made that clear. I just think—" Remus dropped his eyes and stared at the floor. "No, never mind."

"No, tell me. What do you think?"

"I think if James told you he's gay, you wouldn't hesitate to tell him you'd consider it."

"Consider…you know it's not that simple. Just like you, I can't turn attraction on and off," Sirius said. "I've never looked at James that way. We've always just been friends."

"And so are we," Remus responded, looking up again. "Nothing has to change."

"But something has," Sirius remarked. "You've never acted like this around me before. Or anyone else, for that matter. If living with me is that much of a problem, then—"

"That's not it. I've been attracted to you pretty much since we met," he admitted. "I just never thought I'd want to act on it until now." He waved a hand dismissively. "But I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I don't want things to continue being weird between us because you know I…I've been feeling more than usual lately. I can handle looking but not touching. It may not always seem like it, but until I get over it, I can deal with how I feel."

"What if I can't?"

Remus curled his fingers against the door. "If—if you're not comfortable, that's fine. You never have to see me. I've almost saved enough to get my own place. Or maybe James would let me stay with him. I wouldn't mind that." Remus's voice had almost disappeared by the time he'd finished his brave little lie, but he couldn't force it to gain any more strength. He felt like the fight had been drained out of him and replaced with this building desire to scream. His body was practically vibrating with it.

"I don't want you to leave. I've told you that." Sirius touched Remus's hand and clasped his fingers around his wrist. "Look at me."

"It's probably best—"

"Stop that self-sacrificing crap and look at me."

Remus turned and what he saw made his heart stop. Or, what he imagined he was seeing. What he wanted to believe. That his naked emotions were being reflected back at him—curiosity, fear, lust, and some unspoken promise behind the eyes that stared into his.

"I'm not going to lie to you. This is all new to me." He paused then and Remus had to force himself to breathe. For the second time in his presence, Sirius Black was blushing. "I have been…curious and I've considered… a few things I've never done before. Lately I uh…I've thought it about it more than I want to admit. You and your teasing." He offered a small smile.

Remus wanted to make him stop there. He was torn between hearing this new, raw confession and wanting to silence the stuttering, mumbling man in front of him and search for the Sirius Black he'd spent the past seven years at school with. That was someone he knew and could understand—and who would never give Remus a look that promised something he'd never realistically considered.

"I can hardly believe we're having this conversation." Sirius shifted his arm until he and Remus were holding hands. "I want to try," he said simply. "Mind, I'm not going to be comfortable with everything at once. And I wouldn't do this with just anyone. But you're my friend." He paused, waiting until the silence had settled between them like a weight. "I think I can trust you to stop if things get to be too much for me."

"What are you saying to me?" Remus whispered.

Sirius smiled and tugged on his hand. "After all that, I still have to make the first move?" Still grinning, he leaned forward until their lips were a hairsbreadth apart. "Do you want to stay just friends?" Remus responded by closing the distance between them.

The moment their lips touched, Remus forgot to breathe again. All he could do was focus on the firm lips pressed to his, the steadily increasing pulse at his throat and the tentative way Sirius caressed his hair. When Sirius pushed against his lips and parted his own, Remus sighed and grabbed his shirt roughly. If he was going to wake up from this fantasy any time soon, he wanted the dream to be worth remembering.

He opened his mouth and sucked at Sirius's tongue greedily. His hands moved over his hair, down his chest; one slipped over the front of his jeans and squeezed lightly. Sirius moaned in response and Remus continued, letting his hand play until Sirius began rubbing against his fingers. He pushed Remus's shoulders flush against the door and moved forward, shoving himself into the other man's hand. "Harder," Sirius whispered.

They both were. Hard and hot and practically shaking from the intensity of their kisses. With every second that passed, Remus grew closer to ripping off his clothes right there and begging Sirius to end the weeks of frustration with his eager mouth. His stomach trembled under Remus's hand and he began moving his hips in rough thrusts, mirroring the movements of his tongue.

No, his mouth wouldn't be enough. But it would be a start. Remus pulled his lips away from Sirius and began dragging him towards the bed. He'd waited too long. Tonight, he would take what he could get.


	7. Reality

The entire night felt like a dream. Amazing and unreal and overwhelming as it had been, it was real. Even before he moved his hand to feel the rough hair and bare skin beneath his fingers, Remus knew the confession, their first kiss and the torture of having to control himself until he fell asleep was all part of the same delicious new reality. Sirius was his. No, that was an overstatement. He was open. Willing. Submissive when it came down to it. And Remus had fallen asleep with a smile on his face, listening to Sirius's heartbeat.

There was still a faint tilt to his lips when he woke. Remus could feel the steady rise and fall of Sirius's chest beneath his hand; his own body tensed slightly in response. It had taken everything he had not to strip Sirius completely the night before, but tackling his friend shirtless had felt like the closest thing to heaven. Remus moved his hand, lightly tracing his fingers down Sirius's chest and over his stomach. He inhaled, taking in the faint traces of soap and shampoo before he opened his eyes and watched the play of his fingers against skin. He edged his fingers downward and gently slid them just beneath the catch on Sirius's jeans.

Before Remus could move further, Sirius cleared his throat and pulled at his hand. Remus moved his head to look up, a wide grin splitting his face. "You're up?"

"So are you, I noticed." His voice was husky; he sounded out of breath. Sirius licked his lips and shifted in the bed a bit. Remus was still getting used to the feel of his bare skin against the worn denim encasing Sirius's legs. The slightly rough texture and the warmth of the skin underneath excited him.

"I don't think you need to take any more of my clothes off."

Remus laughed long and low in the back of his throat. For the second time, he showed Sirius a glimpse of the wolf in the man who could devour him. "Aw, are you shy? I never pictured you as the shy type," he said. "Especially after last night."

"No, I am not shy." This was accompanied by another faint blush. "I'm just sure you won't be needing to do that. For a while."

"Of course," Remus said slowly. He moved his hand down Sirius's chest, further, smiling when his friend inhaled sharply; the muscles of his stomach bunched against Remus's fingers.

"Stop moving your hand," Sirius said.

"Why?" Remus edged his fingers under the waistband of Sirius's jeans again. "You didn't seem to mind last night. As a matter of fact, you seemed to like everything I did with my hands." To emphasize, he slipped his hand over the front of the jeans and squeezed lightly. The other man's breath caught. "Mm. I don't think you mind now. I think you like it a lot." Remus's nose flared and he closed his eyes briefly. "You even smell differently when you're aroused."

Sirius grabbed his hand and moved it up to his chest again. "You really need to stop there."

Remus laughed again. "It's not like you have anything I haven't seen. A number of times."

"Right," Sirius confirmed. "But I think we should do this very slowly. Your hands will not be removing my pants any time soon."

Remus narrowed his eyes. Seconds later, the button popped off of Sirius's jeans, hitting the floor with a light plink. Just after that, the zipper slid down with a soft whirr. "Ooh. Looks like I don't need my hands. A good thing too. You needed the room." Ignoring Sirius's light groan of protest, Remus moved over him until he was straddling his lap. Their lips connected briefly before Remus moved to place soft kisses along his neck.

"Didn't you get enough of teasing me last night?" he whispered. He grabbed Sirius's arms and held his wrists down over his head. Sirius gave a half-hearted struggle from beneath him before settling in place. "Wouldn't it just be easier to give me what I want?" He growled in the back of his throat and nipped Sirius on the neck with the edge of his teeth. Sirius sighed and leaned into the contact. "You know you want to."

Sirius didn't respond in words, instead moving until he'd repositioned himself for a kiss. Remus let their lips connect briefly before he moved back a few inches, a wicked grin on his face. "All right. I'm willing to be patient with you. For a time."

"Right," Sirius responded. "And what do I have to do to receive this mercy?"

"Mm, not much," Remus whispered. He caressed Sirius's face briefly then ran a hand down his torso, stopping at his waist. "I promise not to steal too much of whatever virtue you have left, if you just let me kiss you."

"Kissing?" Their eyes met. Sirius's eyes had darkened until they were nearly black. He was breathing hard as he licked his lips. "All right. That sounds safe enough."

Remus laughed and began tugging at his jeans. "I haven't said where I'll kiss you yet."  


* * *

  
Remus had been forty minutes late to work. Not the best move, considering how long it had taken him to get his job, but Mr. Knight had been quite forgiving. Especially after Remus had explained how he'd had to comfort an ailing friend in bed until the other man had released the awful tension he'd been suffering from. He'd spent the better part of his work day remembering just how he'd helped Sirius relax; the feel and taste of him seemed to linger on his lips.

By the time he'd Apparated back to the house, Remus was nearly panting in nervous excitement. It was one thing for Sirius to come to him in the dead of night and sleep in his arms, it would be another for him to acknowledge what was happening in the bright light of day. And reciprocate any physical favors he'd received. That was key. The moment Sirius was willing to give as well as receive, Remus knew he could let go of the niggling doubt in the back of his mind.

The little voice had been quiet when he'd woken, but as the afternoon wore on he could hear his fourteen-year-old self screaming that Sirius would never look at another man that way, he was repulsed by very idea. Lily had taken the initiative and spiked Sirius's drink as soon as she'd figured out how he felt. It would only be a matter of time before he returned to his usual untouchable self—and he would be angry that Remus had taken advantage of him.

A vision of an angry and vengeful Sirius was in the back of his mind when he walked into the house. A number of faint sounds caught his attention just as he reached the stairs and Remus turned, pausing outside the kitchen door to decipher what they were. He stopped breathing. Maybe angry wasn't the response he should've expected. Inside the room he could hear a woman giggling and then moaning softly, then the distinct sound of wet kisses. Remus eased the kitchen door open and peeked in.

Across the room, he could just make out a brunette with her back to him. What he could see of her was limited to long wavy hair, long legs and a firm bottom covered in short, tight denim and a pair of large, roaming hands. Remus took a step back and closed his eyes. Half a dozen hexes coursed through his mind before he opened them again and pushed the door open, intent on parting Sirius from his favorite appendage.

A giggle pierced through his anger before the two people before him separated and the girl turned to face him. "Oh!" She put a hand to her mouth and giggled again. She began to adjust her skimpy red top. "Sorry, Sirius said no one would be here for a while."

Remus felt the tension leave his shoulders when he saw who was behind her. Peter took a moment to straighten his clothes before coming to stand next to his girlfriend. "We probably should've found a room." He grinned as he glanced over to his companion. "Then again, it's probably better that we didn't. Might have gotten carried away."

"Oh, my wittle bunny wabbit." She giggled as she slapped at his shoulder playfully. "You can be so bad sometimes." She winked. "Of course, I like you that way." She turned to Remus and presented him with a wide smile. He had to give Peter credit. She was just as pretty as James had described. Her bubbly personality was obviously contagious; Peter hadn't stopped grinning since he'd come into the room. Of course, with the luck he'd had, the very existence of a girlfriend was reason enough to smile. "You must be Remus," she said. "I'm Cara. It's nice to meet you." He crossed the room and she extended her hand for him to shake.

"Nice to meet you too," he said. "You mentioned Sirius. Is he upstairs?"

Peter nodded. "Said something about taking a nap before the meeting because he didn't get much sleep."

Remus didn't know what to make of that. He'd slept fine with his head on Sirius's chest and his arms around the other man's torso. Was Sirius uncomfortable outside of his own large bed or was it the company and sudden expectations that had made him miss sleep? Remus frowned before bidding Peter and his girlfriend goodbye and heading up the stairs. Why would Sirius have come to him if he wasn't ready for what might happen? He'd already set one pretty big line they couldn't cross—they would never be naked in bed together until Sirius was ready. The more Remus thought about it, the more that moment seemed further and further off.

Or it could be that he had already changed his mind. That would be understandable. As much as he'd responded physically the night before and early that morning, Remus couldn't expect him to change overnight. Or at all. No matter what kind of signals Sirius seemed to be putting out. As he approached the closed bedroom door, Remus had to remind himself to take this one day at a time. As much as they had both enjoyed their brief time so far, the last thing he needed to was fall for someone who would only lose interest after he'd satisfied his curiosity.

Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door, listened until he heard Sirius's softly spoken response and opened the door slowly, unsure of what he would find. Sirius stood in front of the bank of windows along the far wall, looking down at the valley below. Their eyes met in the reflection on the glass. "I thought you wouldn't be back for a while."

"I left early," Remus stated. "I wasn't focused on work."

Sirius turned into the room. Shadows fell over his face, but Remus could just make out his small smile. He felt the knot in his stomach loosen as he crossed the room. "I saw Wormtail downstairs. I take it you didn't tell him about last night. Does that mean we're keeping it a secret?" He sounded desperate, he knew that, but Remus couldn't help the faint sound of begging that laced his words. He wasn't comforted when Sirius's smile dropped and he glanced towards the windows again.

"You can't tell anyone," Sirius said. His voice was flat, but Remus sensed the edge behind it. His shoulders tensed again. "I mean it."

"Aw, are you ashamed of me?" Remus asked, a teasing tone in his voice. There was a sudden sharp thump in his chest at the brief flash in the gray eyes. He would ignore it. For now. Remus put his arms around Sirius's waist and snuggled close to his side.

"In a word, yes," he responded. Remus sighed. "Look, don't get all weepy about it. I just think, until we know what's going on with us—"

"We do know," Remus interrupted. "At least, I do." He slipped his hand over the front of the hip-riding baggy denim and smiled when he felt Sirius stir through the fabric. It didn't take much to get him excited. "I'm seducing you, bit by bit, and you like it. A lot. More than you're willing to admit to our friends. Maybe even to yourself," he added in a lower voice.

"How do you know I like it?" Sirius asked. "I could just be humoring you."

Remus laughed. "Right. That's why you gripped my hair so hard earlier I felt it in my scalp for the better part of the morning." He moved his hand lower and squeezed, grinning when Sirius sighed and thrust his hips forward slightly. His breathing changed, quickening. Remus leaned close to his ear. "You love what I can do to you," he whispered in a husky voice. "The way you feel in my hands, in my mouth. You just need to be braver and take the next step."

Sirius's laugh filled his ear. "You're joking, right? There's no way I can—we could—" He swallowed hard. "No," he finished, his voice shaky.

"Afraid you'll like it?" Remus asked. He flexed his hand again and leaned up to kiss Sirius on the chin. He leaned on his toes and sucked Sirius's earlobe into his mouth, suckling gently until he heard the other man moan. A shiver went through Sirius and he grabbed Remus with both hands, pulling him up on his toes for a leisurely kiss. Before he could take stock of what was happening, Remus found himself falling backwards onto the bed, Sirius's hands running over his chest and stomach, a corresponding arousal coursing through the lower half of his body as Sirius separated his legs with a sharp thrust of his pelvis.

"Why do you insist on teasing me when you know how weak I am?" he asked. Remus gasped as Sirius arched his hips again, creating a wave of hot friction between their bodies. Sirius held his shoulders down as he captured his lips in another kiss. A minute later, he rolled off of Remus and stood from the bed. A shaky hand went through the spiky black hair.

Remus lay back on the bed, inwardly cursing himself for not forcing the issue the night before. If Sirius was going to attack him like that without warning, he wouldn't be able to control himself the next time. He was long past the time when an enthusiastic touch or vivid dream would cause him to lose control, but with Sirius, he felt like an inexperienced child dealing with his first feelings of lust. One touch too many and Remus knew he'd feel more than a shiver up his leg.

Sirius turned back to him. He shoved his hands in his pockets. "Sorry about that," he whispered.

"Don't be," Remus said. "I'm just disappointed that you stopped. It means I still have work to do with you."

Sirius stared at him for a long moment before his shaken expression broke into a small smile. "You're not going to change my mind any time soon." His voice was certain, but Remus saw telltale signs that his resistance was close to breaking. The way his eyes shifted, the way his mood changed from a stoic denial to hot and heavy abandonment—Sirius was closer than he thought to forgetting his fears of what other people would think and going after what he wanted. All it would require was patience—and nerves of steel—on Remus's part.  


* * *

  
When they stepped out of the Floo into the Gryffindor common room a couple of hours later, Remus was back to doubting what he'd seen in other man's eyes. After they'd joined Peter and Cara downstairs, Sirius couldn't have been more distant. He'd barely made eye contact, drawing enough suspicion from Wormtail that he'd asked if the two were fighting. Sirius had laughed it off and then went back to his usual obnoxious behavior, teasing Cara about developing a fruitless crush on their friend like the rest of the girls at Hogwarts.

Remus couldn't have been more relieved when Peter announced it was time to Floo to Hogwarts for the Order meeting. If there was anything worse than Sirius setting him at a cool distance as he had in recent weeks, it was knowing they were closer than ever and Sirius was doing everything he could to keep their friends from being aware of that fact. Still, keeping this secret was far better than the alternative, pining for someone who would ultimately reject him.

When the group entered the room, Remus spotted Lily and James seated near a window. Lily smiled when she saw them. "Miracles can happen," she said once they walked over. "You managed to get Sirius out of the house without a two hour grooming session." She looked him over. "Or did he start just after lunch?"

"Come off it, Lily," he said. "I'm naturally gorgeous and don't have to spend forever untangling my hair and changing clothes every few minutes to look presentable, unlike _some people_." Sirius smiled at her. "Some people just have a gift."

"If you have something," Lily began, "I'm sure any girl you give it to will not consider it a gift." Beaming at his temporary silence, she stood and greeted Remus with a hug. "You look better than you did when I last saw you," she said, her voice soft. Her eyes searched his face in question.

Before she could analyze the blush he could feel beginning to spread over his cheeks, Remus grabbed her hand. "James, I'm going to borrow your girl for a few minutes." He began dragging Lily towards the stairs. "Don't worry, we'll be in Dumbledore's office in time for the meeting," he said over his shoulder and he pulled her around the corner of the landing.

"Remus, what—?" Lily pulled her hand out of his and stamped her foot once. Remus turned to her. "You're acting worse than James when he wants to get me alone. Care to tell me what's going on?"

Remus held open the door to the first empty boys' dorm room. "First, get in here." Rolling her eyes at his dramatic gesture, Lily preceded him into the room. She waited patiently while Remus set a charm to soundproof the room. He took a couple of deep breaths before turning to face her, a grin on his face.

"I have to say," he began slowly. "Last night went far better than I thought it would. Without the use of a certain potion," he added.

Lily squealed and jumped up and down twice, clapping her hands before her chest. "I _knew_ it. Fantastic. Did you—?"

"No," Remus stated. He'd started blushing the moment Lily had looked at him in the common room and now felt as if his face was as bright red as the Gryffindor banner on the wall behind her. "We…something did happen, but I'm not going to get into any details."

"Something happened, but it wasn't sex?" Lily frowned. She crossed her arms and tapped one finger against her chin in thought. "Damn. You know, I could get you some—"

"I don't want to force him, with potions or otherwise," Remus said. "If something else happens, it will happen on its own. Oh, he said to tell you that if you tell James or anyone else anything, he really will hex you. And I won't stop him."

"How'd he know I'd know anything?"

"You're the only person who can read me better than he can," Remus stated. "We're not ready for anyone to find out yet. We're not even sure what's going on with us."

"So, it'd be out of the question to get you something to enhance your—"

"Yes, it would," Remus said. He was fighting down a smile and had to look away as Lily began giggling. "I don't think either of us needs help in that area, anyway. If it goes further, I'm sure we'll do just fine."

"I'll be able to tell if you don't. I can read that look easily," she said. There was a certainty in her voice Remus was at once curious about and sure he didn't want to know the full meaning of. "Don't worry, you won't have to ask for help." Lily paused, frowning again.

Recognizing the expression, Remus nodded. "Go ahead and ask."

"Is there a reason this is all a big secret?"

Remus began his sentence, scrapped the thought and started again only to stop a second time. There was no reason to sugarcoat the truth with Lily; she'd know if he wasn't telling the full story and she was possibly the only person who could understand. She was certainly the only person he could discuss Sirius with this way.

"He's not ready, not really," he said finally. "He—I mean, last night he told me that he'd been thinking about it and…what it amounts to is an experiment on his part," Remus said. "We're not a couple. He doesn't find women unattractive suddenly. I'm not going to pretend he's anywhere close to having feelings for me," he admitted reluctantly. "Right now it's just fun for both of us and I can live with that."

_Liar._ From her expression, Remus was sure Lily wanted to say it out loud as much as he wanted to confess his small self-delusion. Didn't matter. No amount of wishful thinking on his part was going to change the facts of what Sirius didn't feel. He'd have to accept that sooner or later and pretending was the first step of convincing himself it was true. Better to not care now than to nurse a broken heart later. Besides, it was easier to keep his expectations out of it if he just thought of it as an emotionless game with a firmly heterosexual man.

To her credit, she kept her doubts to herself. Lily grinned and took his hand in hers as she aimed her wand at the door. "Between you and I, I've always suspected Sirius harbored a secret crush on you," she whispered as she opened the door. "Why else would he feel the need to talk about how pretty he is all the time?" Lily winked at him over her shoulder. "Now that he's got you where he wants you, he won't be letting go any time soon."

Remus laughed softly as he followed her back down the stairs. At least one of them had confidence in how this might turn out. Remus merely had a possibility borne of the fleeting look in Sirius's eyes. He only hoped it would turn out to be enough.


	8. Breaking Down

He was going to kill Lily. The day after the Order meeting, she'd sent over a bottle of a translucent blue potion with a note that read, "Whenever it becomes necessary." Remus stopped reading then. He didn't want to know what was in the bottle. He'd frowned and tossed it and the note into his school trunk with the other potion she'd given him. At this point, _nothing_ was necessary. When they were alone, Sirius willingly submitted to just about anything he wanted, within the prescribed boundaries. It was exactly what Remus had thought about all these years. Minus those boundaries. And the fact that his heart wasn't in it.

It was foolish, really. No matter how his heart raced or his body responded, Remus knew that look in Sirius's eyes was inspired purely by the physical connection they'd quickly developed. Their friendship and any affection associated with it was separate. It was as if a wall protected the innocent feelings they shared with James and Peter from the secret that enveloped them whenever they were in a room alone.

And Remus was all right with it. As much as he could be. But there were times, in the middle of the night when Sirius held him in an unconscious tight embrace or when he whispered his name and whimpered in pleasure, Remus knew there could be more. He yearned for it. He felt Sirius fighting against it. All the while he knew it was no closer to happening than it had been before their first kiss. He blamed Lily's knowing expressions for the questions that assailed him whenever he let himself think about it too much.

Remus was slowly drawing close to his personal breaking point. The further they want along, the weaker Remus felt when they were alone. There were moments when they kissed when he felt like nothing could be more perfect than what they already had. He'd wanted to be patient with Sirius, but after a week of touching and tasting with all the passion of a man who felt it to his bones, Remus felt he was no closer to getting Sirius to reciprocate than he was to forcing him to admit he felt more than curiosity. It was a dangerous game they played. Remus interacted with Sirius as if every touch was a part of some elaborate, meaningless act—as if Sirius meant no more to him than that sixth year Ravenclaw he'd shared a night with, but he had to squeeze out every moment of pleasure he could.

He just couldn't force himself to get used to feeling such intense pleasure with someone he felt close to without their being in a traditional relationship. There were many moments when he closed his eyes and pretended he was the type who could be this close to a friend and not feel anything change between them. But it was one thing to spend a passionate night with a virtual stranger, it was quite another to kiss someone he'd shared almost half his life with and ignore the intimacy between them when others were around. He hated feeling like Sirius's favorite new plaything. It was if a pane of glass separated them—he could see what he wanted on the other side, but in breaking the glass, someone would get hurt. At this point, that much seemed inevitable.

As time passed, the line between innocent friendship and the indistinguishable nowhere that categorized his feelings for Sirius became blurred. Soon, he knew it would disappear altogether. Then he would really be in trouble. At that point, no amount of rationalization was going to convince his heart that all of this passion was meant to lead to nothing. Sirius could come around one day. Maybe. It was Lily who made Remus see how close he was to losing himself to this fantasy.

"I see you're doing that brooding thing again," she said as she watched him conjure water into the teapot. "What did he do this time?"

Remus turned to her as she entered the kitchen. His frown was there for a number of reasons. Trust her to pick the one he wasn't willing to talk about. He turned away from her and tapped the side of the teapot with his wand to heat the water. Remus could feel Lily's eyes on him as he ignored her. He waved his wand at a nearby cannister and several teabags floated onto the tray in front of him. Several more waves and sugar, milk and several cups collected on the tray. "Sirius hasn't done anything," he said, finally.

"That's what has you frustrated, isn't it?" Lily asked. "I tried to warn you, but—"

"Would you just drop it?" Remus's frown deepened. He lowered his voice. "I'm really not in the mood to talk about it," he said. His voice was only slightly calmer, but he couldn't help himself. The last thing he needed was someone giving voice to the insecurities he was trying to suppress. It was far too soon for him to expect anything of substance from Sirius, if he could ever expect that. Remus sighed when Lily's hand met his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I just want this to work out for you. For however long." Lily paused, waiting for Remus to say something. "I'll take the tray." Before she could levitate it from the room, Remus turned to her again.

"Wait."

She lowered the tray to the counter again. Remus could've hugged Lily then. She knew how hard this was for him and yet her expression didn't change. She merely turned to him, leaned one hip against the counter and waited. He sighed heavily.

"Am I crazy for wanting more than this?" Remus asked. "I know what he's like...but I can't help myself." Lily squeezed his shoulder. "You don't know. Things between us have been great, but there's something missing. It's probably just me." He closed his eyes. "I want him to stop acting like I'm some secret he has to be afraid of James and everyone finding out. He's so paranoid about people finding out we've even kissed, I don't think he realizes how he comes across." _As if he hates himself for what he feels, Remus thought._ "Maybe if he wasn't so afraid, he could just let things happen." Remus opened his eyes again to find Lily watching him, her eyes full of the pity he'd been trying to avoid for weeks.

"I don't know what to say to make you feel better," she said. "I should just tell James myself and end the bloody suspense," Lily remarked; she rolled her eyes. "If you really think Sirius is worth attempting something more than a fling with, you should say something to him. That was your problem before, wasn't it? You were attracted to him and afraid to let him know. Now that he knows, you have a chance of getting somewhere. If you're patient." She frowned. "Why am I saying if? You probably have too much patience for your own good." Lily sighed as Remus's frown deepened. "Of course, how far you get is partially up to Sirius. You know he's never been this close to another man. It's probably not easy to think about anything more than kissing, certainly not feelings."

"Hey, look, I never said anything about feelings," Remus protested. "I just want..." _I just want to drive him crazy that way he's done me. And I don't want him to feel ashamed of it. I want to feel like this could be more than just a fantasy I don't want to wake from. I want the reality to match that fleeting look in his eyes._ He swallowed hard. He didn't want to admit any of that. Lily could probably read it on his face, but saying it out loud would only make it worse. It would make his potential heartbreak real.

"I don't think he'll ever have feelings for me," Remus said. "I'm not quite that crazy yet."

"It's not crazy," Lily said. "There's an expression he has when he's around you sometimes. The way he smiles at you, other things," she added as Remus looked down.

He knew that look. It was feeding that small spark of hope deep in his heart. He wanted to believe in it too, but didn't know if he could trust what he was seeing as honest and not just what he wanted. It was difficult to reconcile the thought that it could be both.

"I've never seen him look at anyone else that way," Lily stated. She smiled. "The potential is there. You just have to be man enough to force the issue."

"Man enough?" Remus's eyes narrowed. "Are you kidding? This has been killing me!"

"And the wait is killing me," Sirius said from the doorway. "What is with you two? Always holed up somewhere whispering about something or other. What is it this time?"

"The McKinnons," Lily responded promptly. Remus blinked hard as she continued her lie. "Remus feels guilty because he couldn't talk the family into going into hiding after they started getting those threats. I keep telling him it isn't his fault, a lot of people are being stubborn." Their gazes met. "They want to pretend like what's going on under the surface isn't going to affect them in the long run."

He turned away from her. Sometimes, Remus really hated when she was right. He hated it more when she knew it and wouldn't let something go. She needed to let him have his self-delusions. If he wanted to believe this constant throbbing headache was because of the approaching full moon, not from the thought of getting Sirius to admit he felt more than lust, she should let him.

"She's right, you know," Sirius said. He crossed the room in several long strides. His hand rested on Remus's shoulder. "Like Dumbledore said, there's nothing any of us could've done. I'm just grateful most of them survived. I hope they've thought about protecting themselves a little more now."

Lily nodded. "After what happened to her brother, Marlene is convinced joining the Order is the only way to keep her younger sister safe. Her parents finally agreed," Lily said. "Sad to say, that's how we're getting a lot of people to think about it these days. Everyone who used to be afraid to publicly come out against Voldemort is now banding together out of necessity. I just wish so many of them weren't in denial. We could protect ourselves better if we all openly fight against what's going on."

"Sometimes it feels easier to protect oneself by waiting to see how bad it's going to get before taking action. You know, assess the problem before running in head first," Remus said.

Sirius slipped his arm around Remus's shoulder and pulled him into a loose one-armed hug. At this gesture, Lily smirked. She cleared her expression before Sirius noticed. "Try a little bravery, Moony," Sirius said. "That approach usually works best. I'd rather take a chance and get my hands dirty than be too afraid to fight for what needs to be done. I've always gotten what I want that way."

"We should all be fighting for what we want to happen," Lily said. She smiled at Remus. Her meaning wasn't lost on him, she could be as subtle as a Bludger to the head when she wished, but Sirius only saw that she was agreeing with him. "I'm going to take the tray out," she said.

Remus followed her quickly. He could only imagine the expression on her face if he and Sirius stayed in the kitchen alone for more than a few seconds. Of course, from the way Sirius had been leaning against him, those gray eyes staring into his, she wouldn't be wrong to assume Remus would take the opportunity to sneak in a kiss or three. After Lily lowered the tray to the table, Remus busied himself pouring cups for everyone. He handed one to Sirius first and then turned; Remus rolled his eyes as Lily smirked again. She sat next to James and leaned against him.

James raised an eyebrow at her expression. "What's with you?"

She shook her head and her grin widened.

James looked around the room. Remus was pouring tea with shaking hands and Sirius was watching James interrogate his girlfriend, his expression stormy. He turned back to Lily.

"Something is going on. What is it?"

"Oh, all right!" She looked over to Remus and smiled. "I'm sorry, but I can't not saying anything. There's no reason he shouldn't know. Remus—" And then nothing. James watched Lily move her mouth in silence for a few seconds before he turned and spotted Remus with his wand trained on her.

"Care to tell me what this is about?" James asked.

"Lily knows something about me and she promised she'd keep my confidence," Remus answered. "A Silencing Charm will be the least of her worries if she says anything." As James opened his mouth to protest, Remus added, "I don't care if she's your girlfriend. You know how I feel about people talking about my private life."

"People? We're your friends," James said. "If something is wrong with you—"

"Nothing's wrong," Remus said. "And it's none of your business. Drop it. Both of you," he said, waving his wand in Lily's direction.

James turned to Sirius, knowing his friend was about to weigh in with his opinion. But the other man just leaned back on the sofa, calmly sipping his tea. James shook his head, chucking softly. "You're so damned sensitive. That time of the month already?" He shot another glance over to Sirius, knowing his friend was about to share in the frequent joke. Sirius met his gaze with a cool stare; white-knuckled hands gripped his tea cup.

James picked up his own cup; his gaze drifted back and forth between the two of them before settling on Lily. She was eyeing Remus over her own drink, her smile faint. She could smirk all she wanted, as far as Remus was concerned. As long as she didn't do anything to alienate Sirius any further. He had to become comfortable with what was happening on his own.  


* * *

  
Remus landed on his back on the grass, grinning. He'd spent another few nights running under the full moon with Sirius, each morning getting closer and closer to begging him to relieve the tension that only grew between them. It was the best kind of frustration, growing closer to him this way. The more time they spent together, the more he started to believe Lily might be right; there was a lot more between them than Sirius was willing to admit, all he had to do was push for a confession. Of course, the safe route, which carried a higher chance of success, was to just let things happen and not force Sirius to put a name on it.

Shortly after Remus had tranformed, he leaned up on one elbow, only to be tackled back onto the grass by a bounding black dog. The enthusiastic dog began licking his face; Remus laughed and feebly attempted to push him away. The playful licking turned into kisses as Sirius returned to his human form. The warm body above his became the sleek and muscular form of the man he lived with. The lazy, sleepy feeling threatening to take over his body disappeared; his body was warmed by the sunlight beaming down on them as much as the friction growing between them. Within seconds Remus had gone from hunter to prey, a position he was hoping to savor.

"What are you doing?" Remus asked. What he wanted to ask was, 'What are you saying to me now?' They were on the grass at the edge of the valley, naked, and Sirius was sending the strongest signals he'd ever sent that the next part of their relationship wasn't a vague possibility so much as on the verge of happening. Right then. When Remus was feeling far too weak to control himself if Sirius suddenly changed his mind. With the grass imprinting on his back and the sun warming his face, he felt truly relaxed and happy for the first time in days; he gave himself over to the delicious tension.

"What does it feel like I'm doing?" Sirius asked. Their lips met. Remus leaned up and grabbed Sirius's hair as he began to pull back; Sirius swatted his hand away. "You're always so greedy." He moved lower and grinned as the movements of his mouth elicited a soft moan. Sirius's tongue ran along the column of Remus's neck before he leaned up to whisper, "You have no idea the thoughts you put into my head."

_I know what he's doing_, Remus thought. _He's trying to kill me. He's all over me, naked and expects that I'll just lay here and...melt into the grass. He has no idea what he's playing with._ Remus closed his eyes and dug his fingers into the soft earth beneath them.

"Tell me what you think about," Remus said. His voice was shaking, hoarse. Sirius had brought their faces flush against one another; stubble grazed Remus's cheek.

Sirius kissed his neck and Remus could feel his hands shaking as they moved against his chest. "I think about how it feels to be close to you like this. It's strange, but I never imagined I'd like it this much." He laughed softly; Remus felt his chest shaking and warm breath against his neck. "I don't even know how you get me to talk about things like this." His hand moved over Remus's stomach. Remus moaned again. "Especially when the last thing on my mind right now is talking."

"Maybe you should find something else to do with your mouth," he whispered. No sooner had he made the suggestion than Sirius took him up on it, moving his mouth down, working his tongue until Remus tossed his head back and sighed.

A movement on the edge of his vision caught Remus's attention and his eyes widened. Peter stood at the edge of the valley, his expression one of surprise and amusement. Before Remus could react, he moved back towards the stairs and disappeared into the shadows. A minute later, he heard a faint click as the door to the kitchen closed.

As Remus began to wonder how long their friend had been there and how Sirius would react when he found out, Sirius slipped a hand between Remus's legs and all conscious thought left his mind. It could all wait. Every concern, the insecurities, the stupid boundaries they never should've had to begin with. All Remus wanted was to savor this moment, however long it would last.


	9. Truth

_Well, fuck._ No, that wasn't what had happened with Sirius. That was the thought pulsating through Remus's mind when he'd stopped just short, leaving the werewolf more than a little frustrated. Remus had found satisfaction of a sort, Sirius had seen to that, but they hadn't quite gotten where he'd wanted to be. At least it was further than he ever imagined he would get when he moved in with Sirius; that was something he could hold onto.

Then there was Peter. Sirius hadn't seen him that morning, Remus was grateful for that much. He'd done everything short of threatening Wormtail to keep the secret when he'd gone upstairs. Peter had acted as normal when Sirius joined them and over the past month had managed not to do or say anything that would give away that he knew their secret. Remus knew it was only a matter of time before they were exposed. He would have to tell Sirius soon. Especially with Lily bursting into spontaneous giggling whenever they looked at each other across the room and Peter excusing himself every once in a while—Remus came to found out that he was leaving to laugh. Even he had noticed the change in the way Sirius and Remus interacted. Of course, it was possible they both saw the signs because they already knew, but Remus didn't know if that was entirely the case. If it was becoming that obvious, it would only be a matter of time before James figured it out and then he and Sirius could stop this game and act like a normal couple.

A couple. If anyone had told him before all this that he and Sirius would eventually fit that description, Remus would've wondered what spell had addled their thinking. As it was, they fit every definition of that title except the one thing Remus was yearning to experience with Sirius. At this point, he thought he might explode before he got the chance, but that wasn't going to stop him from wishing for more, however fruitless.

He sensed the empty space in the bed next to him before he opened his eyes. It had become a habit, waking up and panicking if Sirius wasn't next to him. Remus continued to convince himself the time he'd spent with Sirius would prove itself a dream, as unreal as it felt at moments. He wanted to tell himself to relax, but he began every day by thanking whatever powers there were that it wasn't a dream, Sirius was still willing and there was another chance to take things further than they already had. Spotting Sirius standing in front of the windows, Remus crossed the room, joining his boyfriend at the window to watch the sunrise.

Remus knew he was just under half a head shorter that Sirius, but he felt smaller than that as he stood behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist. His lips touched the back of Sirius's neck and he pressed his chest against the expanse of broad shoulders. Sirius tensed briefly before relaxing in his arms. His legs shifted as Remus fitted against the back of his body, molding to Sirius as if he'd always been there, standing behind him, listening to his heart beat.

Then he knew. Remus loved Sirius. It wasn't something he had to think about, exactly, but this was the first time he'd been conscious of the feeling. It wasn't a question. It felt like a universal truth that had always been, like the sun rising every morning and the way Remus's heart lifted every time Sirius smiled at him. Thinking it made him want to say it, just to see the look in Sirius's eyes and hear him say it back, though the latter was impossible.

"It's a little early to be awake on a Saturday," he said, his lips against Sirius's back. "Something on your mind?"

"Just thinking," Sirius responded. He turned and leaned down to kiss Remus. "What's your excuse?"

That was as good a lead-in as any. If he going to do it, he had better tell him while he had the nerve. "I..." Ooh, he'd almost said it. I love you. No. There was no way he could let those words pass through his lips. Not if he didn't want Sirius to run screaming in the opposite direction. Of course, there was the infinitesmally small chance he would reciprocate, but Remus wouldn't let himself go there. Not if he didn't want to needlessly obsess about the possibility for weeks.

"You...?" Sirius raised both eyebrows.

"I have something to tell you," Remus said slowly.

"What's going on?"

He took a deep breath. He knew Sirius was going to take this harshly, given how he had reacted when Remus suggested telling their friends weeks before. It was just a matter of getting him to see the positive side. Any negative feelings he had could dissipate quickly and then they could get on with their lives. "All right, I don't want you to overreact to this. It's not a big deal. Just something you should know."

"Out with it already."

"Wormtail knows about us." Several beats passed in silence before Remus continued. "See, I told you. It's not that big a—"

"How long?" Sirius asked. His voice was cold. "You know he can't keep a secret to save his life."

_Oh, you mean other than that I'm a werewolf, you're all Animagi and the dozen or so pranks we were never caught doing at school? He's a regular chatterbox._

"O-over a month," Remus said. "He's quite capable of keeping a secret if it's an important one, as you well know. He didn't let on to James or you. Peter doesn't care. He's happy that—"

"Why'd you tell him?" Sirius frowned. There was a flicker in his eyes that could mean he was hurt...or on the verge of a screaming fit. Both? The last thing Remus wanted was to turn this into a fight; there was no way to tell how that would end. Sirius had to calm down.

"I didn't," Remus assured him. "He walked in on us one day, when we were at the edge of the valley." He paused, waiting for Sirius to remember. "The first time you—"

"Oh." His voice was still a bit stiff, but the corners of his mouth had crept up into a small smile. Sirius's eyes narrowed. "Did you know he was there? How long? And why didn't you stop me?"

Remus put up a hand at the flood of questions. "Honestly, I don't know how long he was there. I think he just popped in and out." Remus grinned. "And as for why I didn't stop you, if I recall, you did call me greedy." He leaned forward and ran his fingers down Sirius's chest, stopping at the top of his pajama bottoms. He gripped the fabric in his hands and pulled the other man forward until they stood hip to hip. "You were quite right about that," he whispered. "There was no way in hell I was going to interrupt what had to be one of the best moments in my life." He leaned up and pressed their lips together.

After a few moments, Sirius pulled away from him and pushed him back with both hands. "Still, you should've said something. Even later," he said. "Why didn't you tell me Peter knew before now?"

Remus frowned. "Frankly, I don't care and neither do they. That's what I've been trying to tell you. They're our friends. They're not going to judge us. They're happy you're—" _Dating someone? No. Teasing me relentlessly, night after night? True, but not quite right. In love? Gods, no. _"You're spending time with someone," he said finally. "Letting James know wouldn't be the end of the world."

"I'm not so sure about that." Sirius began pouting.

"What is your problem?" Remus took a deep breath. That petulant look was the last straw. "This is what's going to happen," he began. "You're going to tell James. Today," he added when Sirius crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Stop this craziness."

"Or what?"

Or what? Well, that was a good question. Remus'd had no idea what the threat would be when he'd begun his ultimatum. Too strong and he'd never follow through with it. Too weak and Sirius would ignore it as he had the previous pleas to take their relationship public. But that was the problem, wasn't it? He'd been asking all this time when he should've been demanding. He'd demanded Sirius's respect before and gotten it. This time, there was more at stake than being subjected to teasing.

"Either you tell him and take this seriously," he said, motioning between them, "or everything stops. All the games. Everything we do together. No more secrets. This has already gone on too long and there's no excuse for it to continue. I've put up with it, but we can't go on like this indefinitely. Make a choice."

A choice that would, in effect, force Sirius to tell his best friend, the one person he was closer to than Remus, what was going on between them. The secret he found so difficult to deal with, he shut down every time Remus suggested telling James. Remus had found it hard to look Sirius in the eye when he'd made his demand, but he knew it had to be done. After a few seconds of silence, Remus looked up; his heart sank at what he saw.

"That settles it then. I think this has run its course," Sirius said. He looked down at his shaking hands. "I think we've gotten to the point where there's nowhere else to go. I know that's the only reason you're saying this. You think telling James is suddenly going to change things between us." He looked up. "I may have slipped a few times, but I am not doing _that_. I'm not going that far with you. Ever."

Remus took a step back. He was hallucinating. That was the only logical explanation for Sirius saying something so ugly to him in that condescending tone. After everything that had happened, there was no way he could mean it. "I don't understand you," he said finally. "After what's gone on between us, you don't think there could be more? There is so much more to us than kissing and the occassional _slip_ on your part. I know you feel that."

There were several long beats of silence before Sirius said, "Have you ever thought you're seeing what you want to see because you've wanted it for so long?"

The question hung in the air between them. Remus waited for Sirius to take it back; he waited to hear himself deny it. He waited to feel his denial was true before he forced himself to say it. Finally, he took another step back and stared at the space between his feet. He couldn't deny that Sirius had been fighting further physical intimacy between them every chance it was possible. He'd wanted to believe there was more behind every kiss and touch than Sirius wanting Remus to fulfill some shallow fantasy, but he had little proof of that.

"I'm sorry to break it to you like this," Sirius said. "Whatever you thought you felt between us—I tried, but I don't feel the same. I don't think I can. I will admit, the physical part of it was fun for a while, but there will never be more to it than that for me. And the more people who know, the more likely they, and you, will expect something that's just not going to happen." He paused to study a spot over Remus's shoulder before meeting his eyes again. "I don't want you to be mad at me. And you don't have to move out," he said, before Remus could think to offer. "I can't do this anymore. You expect to have more one day and I can't give that to you. Just don't hate me."

"No, that's—this is how you feel and that's fine. I just wanted you to be honest about how you feel," Remus said. He backed away a few more steps. He blinked hard as his eyes began to tear. "I can't say I'm not disappointed, but it's…I sort of expected it would happen one day," he finished in a halting whisper. He turned and began to walk out of the bedroom.

He wasn't going to cry. He wasn't going to break down and find somewhere to curl into a ball and wish for death. Remus stopped short in the doorway. Sirius had just told him their time together meant as much to him as one of the girls he'd tossed away like a used handkerchief when they were at Hogwarts. And here he was, slinking away with his tail between his legs. Remus turned back. "You know what? No."

Sirius stared at him, his eyes wide.

Remus stalked across the room. "You're always ragging on everyone else about standing up to things and facing their fears, but you can be the biggest coward when it comes to getting close to someone. You've done it so many times it's second nature." Remus stopped in front of Sirius and shoved him in the chest. His hip thumped against the window sill.

"Ow! What—?"

"You can't act like our chemistry is all in my head because you're too scared of where it might lead. It'll probably lead somewhere damn good, but you never considered that when you started this, did you?" He pointed a finger in accusation. "It's not just about lust or these stupid games and you and I both know it, even if you're too afraid to admit it. I'm not going to tiptoe around you anymore."

"Remus, I—"

"Shut up." He closed the distance between them and brought their lips together in a bruising kiss. Remus pushed Sirius against the window, grasping his face in both hands as he pressed their bodies together. Sirius began to push at his shoulders. Seconds later, his hands moved over the bare skin as he began kissing Remus back.

"You really are maddening, you know that?" Sirius asked as Remus pulled him onto the bed.

"You know that's what you love about me," he said just before kissing him again. This was it. They would finally, _finally_ get what they needed from one another. By the time they'd dispensed with their clothes, their kisses had changed from the fevered, angry touches borne of their argument to a slow melding of lips and tongues. Hands performed leisurely caresses, while sighs and whispered encouragements filled the air between gasps and the contented moans that followed. As their eyes met, Remus heard himself whisper the words he'd promised to keep to himself. He didn't regret it. Every moment they were joined, he felt Sirius answer in kind and afterwards, as he closed his eyes and listened to his lover's heart beat, he knew it had been right to fight for _them_. This had been worth fighting for.  


* * *

  
Feeling Sirius stir against him woke Remus out of his deep sleep. "Again?" he asked. "I thought you wanted to rest." The low laugh he got in response brought a smile to his face.

"What I want," Sirius began as he snaked an arm around his waist, "is to give you a few vials of Strengthening Solution so you won't fall asleep until tomorrow." He kissed Remus on the back of the neck and pulled him close. "It's not even half over and I already know I don't want this day to end."

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to hear you say something like that." Remus turned in his arms.

Sirius chuckled again. "I have an idea. You know, I like it when you get all worked up like that." He moved until his lips were against Remus's ear. "It's sexy." Remus felt the rumble of Sirius's voice low on his spine. Sirius kissed his neck. "You should be aggressive a little more often."

"Mm, maybe after lunch," Remus suggested. "For now, I think we both need something to eat."

"I have something you can put in your mouth," Sirius whispered. Remus had begun laughing when Sirius pulled him close for a kiss. He wanted to do something silly like thank him, but all he could do was lose himself in Sirius again, each moment more delicious than the first. Several minutes later, he pushed Sirius backwards, making the other man groan in protest; he slid across the bed until he'd reached the edge and slipped out quickly.

"I don't know what I started with you," he said, laughing as he pulled his pants on. "If I don't get out of here soon, you'll never let me out of bed."

"I thought that was the point," he said. Sirius smiled and the leash he had on Remus pulled that much tighter. He threw the covers back. At the sight before him, Remus briefly considered jumping back in. "If you're not back in five minutes, I'm coming after you." He licked his lips. "As a matter of fact, you should bring the whipped topping back with you."

Remus zipped up his jeans and headed for the door. _Right. As if we need to get the sheets even stickier._ Remus jogged down the hallway and onto the stairs, speeding up when he heard the doorbell sound. Opening the door, he froze in place, his carefree smile quickly replaced by a frown.

"What are you doing here?"

Regulus raised one eyebrow. He looked like his brother in many ways, darkly handsome but with an angular sharpness to his features that Sirius didn't possess. He towered over Remus on the front stoop. "I see no one's bought you a flea collar yet. Where's my brother? I need to talk to him." He tried to shoulder his way through the doorway; an invisible barrier barred the entrance, forcing him to regain his footing quickly as he stumbled back.

Remus chuckled. "I'm the one you treat like an animal and yet the house recognizes your allegiance to something inhuman. Funny how that works." He leaned forward and inhaled deeply. "I shouldn't be surprised. You have his stink on you."

"Where's my brother?" he repeated. He glanced around Remus to peer into the house.

"You don't have a brother anymore. You lost the right to call him that a long time ago," Remus said. "Leave."

"What are you, his guard dog?" Regulus asked. "I don't want to fight you, but I will if I have to."

Remus motioned to the doorjamb between them. "I'd like to see you try."

Before Regulus could respond, they heard the thunder of footsteps coming down the stairs, quickly drowned out by a shout from Sirius. "Fuck, Moony. What's taking so long? If someone's trying to chat his way into our bed, tell him to make an appointment. I'm not ready to share." Sirius entered the foyer then, a casual smile dying on his lips when he saw his brother in the doorway. He crossed his arms over his bare chest as he stepped next to Remus. "What are you doing here?"

Regulus smiled slowly, his eyes drifting back and forth between the shirtless pair. "I'm…interrupting. Never would have guessed it of you." He leaned back and appeared to study the couple. "I suppose I should have known, with your Animagus form being a dog. Only a matter of time before you started fucking an animal."

In a flash, Sirius had drawn his wand. Regulus flew backwards, a throaty scream erupting from him. Seconds later, he was on his feet, his wand aimed at his brother. He spit a mouthful of blood onto the sidewalk and strode towards the door again. Pushing Sirius back with one hand, Remus slammed the door closed with his other.

"What are you doing?" Sirius asked. "I want to settle this now."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Remus said. He leaned back against the door. "You really want to fight your brother in broad daylight in a Muggle neighborhood?"

"No, I want to kill him," he responded. "He had no right talking about you that way. He had no reason to be here at all. Regulus hasn't spoken to me since I moved out. I don't know why he'd bother now."

"I'm sure I can guess. Voldemort will never stop wanting us to change sides."

"Hm, well sending my beloved brother over here is a great way to persuade me," Sirius remarked. His tone was sharp, but Remus could tell from the way his breathing had changed that he'd already begun to calm down. Fast, considering how wound up he'd been moments before. Seconds later, Sirius slammed his fist into the wall next to the door, creating a large hole. Swearing, he pulled his hand back. Bits of plaster stuck inside small bleeding cuts all over his hand.

"Shit! I didn't think—" Sirius swore again and cradled his arm to his chest.

Remus pulled out his wand and, holding his wrist, began cleaning the wound. "When we get back upstairs, you're going to tell me why you're so intent on taking your anger out in the most violent way possible." He did his best to heal the small cuts before turning Sirius toward the stairs and giving him a small push towards them. "Get back in bed, I'll be up in a few minutes."

On his way back to the bedroom, Remus stopped at his own room. Something told him he'd need one of the potions Lily had provided him. A couple of drops to get Sirius to finally open up wouldn't hurt anything. After adding a dose to a butterbeer on the tray, Remus reentered the master bedroom. Sirius was sitting against the headboard, a frown etched deep in his face. Remus levitated the tray to the table next to the bed. Sitting next to him, he handed Sirius his drink and waited until he took several long sips before asking, "Ready to talk about it now?"

"It's my fault, you know." Sirius raised the butterbeer to his lips and drained the bottle.

"What's your fault?" Remus put the plate between them on the bed and handed half of the sandwhich on it to Sirius.

"Regulus," he said between bites. "Everything's a fucking mess. I never told you, I thought about taking him. After I left." He reached around Remus for another drink on the tray. Popping it open, Sirius drained it in one long gulp. "I thought if Walburga had a problem with it, she could break in here and get him back herself, after a hell of a fight." Sirius shook his head. "I let James talk me out of it. Told me if I could handle what was going on in that house, he could handle it. That he would—" Sirius stopped speaking and swallowed hard. Remus put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing when Sirius tensed. "I can't shake the feeling that he wouldn't be a Death Eater if I had stayed."

"You can't blame yourself," Remus said. "You don't know that you could have stopped him."

"There's a chance," Sirius countered. "I could've tried harder to be an influence, something to counter my mother and all that Pureblood nonsense. You don't know what it was like living in that house."

"No, but I have an idea. I know how much it killed you when you had to go back there until you started spending holidays at school and with the Potters after your father died. No one would've expected you to put yourself through hell any longer, for anyone's sake."

"But it's not just anyone, it's my brother," Sirius said. "I would do the same for you, for any of you." He fell back against the headboard. "Now there's nothing I can do. He's lost and that bastard is going to turn him into a killer, if he hasn't already."

Remus didn't know how to respond to that. He could only imagine what it was like for Sirius to lose contact with the one person he'd been able to call family after leaving the Black home. Not only did he have to see what Regulus had become, he'd felt helpless to stop it and even more so now, seeing the kind of man his brother willingly followed. Remus could only equate it to the kind of soul-shattering loss he would feel if anything happened to his friends. They were the only family he had, the family he'd chosen, long before he knew they'd eventually be better for him than the family he'd been born into. And Remus knew that if anything corrupted any of them as deeply as it had Regulus, his own despair at the situation would be inconsolable.

Sirius clasped his hand. "Let's not talk about that anymore." There was a false cheer to his voice, thin but holding just the same. Remus chose to ignore it. "Now that we've had something to eat, I say we get back enjoying ourselves."

Remus ducked to the side as Sirius attempted to kiss him. "When are you going to tell James?"

"Why do you insist I tell him?"

"I don't know, maybe because he's your best friend, the one person whose opinion you trust more than anyone else's and you're keeping the biggest secret of your life from him," Remus responded. "Don't you think he deserves to know?"

"I think it's no one's business," Sirius said.

Remus swore under his breath. He busied himself removing the plate from the bed and siphoning breadcrumbs from the bedcovers. Anything to avoid looking Sirius in the eye. So much for that stupid potion. If he couldn't tell the truth now, there really was no hope for them.

"It really bothers you, doesn't it?"

Remus shrugged the hand off his shoulder. "What was your first clue?"

"Look, I'm sorry. I don't know how to deal with this," Sirius said. "At first it was easy, because I knew all you wanted was to kiss me, maybe play around a little. That's all I wanted too. And then you made me—"

Remus turned around then, hopeful that Sirius would finally say what he wanted to hear. _You made me love you, in spite of myself._

"You made me see everything differently," Sirius whispered. "I wanted to believe that I could be with you like I would anyone else, and that it would mean just as much."

"Or as little," Remus put in.

"All right, I deserve that. I know I haven't been fair to you. I wasted so much time trying to convince myself that I felt nothing and none of it meant more than what was happening in that moment. You never let me do that. And I couldn't let...I mean, I didn't want James or anyone to see me differently," Sirius said.

"They'll see what you want them to see."

"No, they'll see a so-called ladies man who used to make fun of people like you become the biggest kind of hypocrite." He looked down at his hands. "They'll see that I haven't got the first clue what I'm doing with you, but I'll be damned if I know how to stop myself. And I don't want to." He looked across the room, his expression troubled. "I don't even know who I am anymore, how do I expect my friends to?"

Remus crawled back into the bed. At this point he didn't know if this confession was because of the potion or if Sirius was talking of his own volition. Frankly, Remus didn't care. It was enough that he wasn't alone in this. He clasped Sirius's arm until the other man looked at him. "Sirius, you have to let go of all these expectations you think other people have of you. You wouldn't be the first person to like being with women and men."

"I don't like being with _men_, I like being with _you_," Sirius said. "I'm pretty sure you're the only one I will ever be with this way. I don't know what that says about me."

"It says that, for now, you're happy," Remus responded. "To hell with anyone else if they have a problem with that. That includes James if you think he'll have something to say about it," he added. "They don't have to understand it. It's not possible for everyone to accept us as we are, but what kind of friends would we be if we never gave them the chance?"

Sirius stared at him for a long moment, thinking over those words. "Have I ever told you, I hate when you make so much sense?"

Remus laughed at that, letting his body relax for the first time since he'd woken from his nap. He let Sirius pull him into his arms then, and then into a kiss, and then under the cool sheets to remind him that he had for more important things to do than debate with Sirius over the merits of true friendship. He had to make up for wasted time.


	10. Pushed

Early the next morning, it was Sirius who dragged Remus out of bed. To the stairwell. To the kitchen. To lay under the enchanted roof and make love as the sky filled with the oranges and pinks of sunrise. He'd clean forgotten about James and the rest of the world until Sirius gave him a hard slap on his bare rump and ordered him to get showered and dressed.

"Why?" Remus asked. "I'm just going to take my clothes off again." He paused. A smile curved his lips. "Unless you'll do it for me," he whispered.

Sirius smiled and let his eyes trace over his boyfriend's body. Remus knew he was thinking about changing whatever plans he'd come up with when he licked his lips. He cleared his throat and raised his eyes to Remus's face. "Later. We're meeting our friends for lunch in Diagon Alley. James will bring along Lily and I suspect Peter will bring Cara." Sirius had said this casually, but there was the slightest bit of tension in his voice.

Remus pushed himself into a sitting position. It was happening, and without any further prodding on his part. A pleasant surprise. Even after they'd slept together, Remus was still half-convinced he'd have to slip a little truth serum into Sirius's firewhiskey to get him to open up to James. It didn't matter that everyone else knew. It was James knowing that was significant to both of them. After this, they could finally act like a normal couple; the weight of the secret could be lifted from both their shoulders.

"This lunch...all six of us, you say?" Remus smiled. "This sounds like—"

"I know what it sounds like," Sirius said. A couple's outing. One of the many things he'd been trying to avoid for weeks. And now he'd planned one. "We're going to have lunch and, after I've gotten some much needed nourishment, I'll tell James." Sirius mirrored Remus's grin. "Maybe if we're in a restaurant, James won't accuse you of putting me under some type of spell."

Remus rose to his feet and crossed the few feet separating them. "I can't say the thought didn't cross my mind a few times when we were in school." He slid a hand up Sirius's arm and down his chest to rest low on his stomach. A small thrill shot through Remus as the other man's breath caught. "Of course, the past few weeks you were practically begging me to make a move. It was too easy to have my way with you."

"I beg to differ." Sirius bent his head for a kiss. Remus ran a hand through his hair. Reluctantly, he let Sirius pull away. "You pulled off some sort of miracle where I'm concerned," the other man said. "I have half a mind to check the refrigerator for potions you might have slipped into my drinks."

Remus thought of the potions he had in his trunk, including the one he'd used on Sirius to get him to talk. He'd thought one day he might tell Sirius about Lily's "help" and they'd both get a good laugh out of it, but now he felt he'd be better off keeping that information to himself...and Vanishing both vials the minute he was alone in his bedroom. No sense feeding his boyfriend's paranoia when they'd finally gotten somewhere.

His eyes dropped. "Do we have to leave right away?"

"Why?" Sirius asked. "What'd you have in mind?"

Remus smiled and began pulling him towards the stairs. "A shower that's more about getting dirty than clean. You'll get my back, won't you?" he asked, just before jogging down the stairs. Laughing, Sirius followed him to the bathroom.  


* * *

  
When they met James outside the restaurant, he was checking his watch and tapping his foot impatiently. His frown turned into a glare when his friends walked up, both grinning. "What took so long?" He jabbed a finger through the air at Sirius. "You sent me a note this morning that was practically an order to show up here and you're twenty minutes late?"

Remus shrugged. There was no way he was going to answer this question honestly. It was difficult enough keeping a straight face when he glanced at Sirius briefly. "Sorry. He didn't think it would take so long to get his hair just right, but I assured him that you were probably doing the same." Remus smiled and reached up to ruffle James's deliberately untamed hair. James ducked back.

"Stop that, you know how I feel about—"

"Not being the prettiest man in the room," Lily finished for him. She smiled at the couple. "It was nice of you to join us for your lunch." She motioned towards the front door of the restaurant. "Peter and Cara are waiting." When Remus and Sirius moved to go past her into the restaurant, Lily grabbed Remus's arm and held him back. He waved Sirius ahead and attempted to keep a neutral expression as the redhead eyed him from head to toe.

"So?"

Remus smiled. He knew where this was going. "So."

"What happened?" Lily asked. "Tell me."

Remus shrugged. "There's nothing to tell." He looked at the door behind her. "I wonder if this place sells dragon steaks. I'm in the mood for meat today."

Lily rolled her eyes. "You're always in the mood for meat. The question is, did you get some from Sirius?"

"What I got..." He stopped and laughed. Lily was practically bouncing on her toes in her curiosity, but Remus just couldn't put what happened into words. Not _couldn't_. He didn't want to. It was too special. Besides that, she'd been involved enough. She didn't have to know everything. "We had a nice time."

"Nice?" Lily slapped his shoulder. Her brows drew close and her bright eyes flared. "I've been pushing this for weeks and all you're giving me is _nice_?"

Remus laughed again. He crossed his arms and took a step back. "I don't know what to tell you. We've been together for a little while now and we're still together. That's all you need to know."

She frowned and turned towards the restaurant. "You're going to tell me, one of these days," she said over her shoulder. Lily pulled the door open and walked into the restaurant.

"Lily, wait." She stopped and turned to him, her expression expectant as he followed her through the door. "We're good now, that's all you need to know," Remus said. "He and I agreed not to give any more information out than is necessary, especially since he plans on telling James today."

He saw her eyes open wide before Lily turned to where their friends sat near the back of the restaurant. "You must've been very...persuasive to get him to make that promise." Lily stopped walking abruptly and turned back to Remus. "I saw the note he sent James. It was practically a threat." She smiled. "How good are the two of you?"

Remus sighed. She wasn't going to give up until she knew what the sex was like. "Think of the best experience you've ever had with James." He paused and let her consider. "Ten times better," he whispered.

Lily's grin said everything. She was never going to keep this to herself. Luckily, Sirius was already planning to spill everything; Remus wouldn't have to rely on her thin powers of retraint. He would, however, have to rely on her sense of self-preservation. If Sirius found out she'd provided a potion for use on him, he'd be a lot more likely to take it out on Lily than his boyfriend. Speaking in a low voice, Remus said as much.

"Potion?" Wide green eyes blinked rapidly at him. "I don't know what you're talking about." She feigned a pout for a few seconds. "Unless you mean that clear vial I gave you ages ago. Did you bother performing a Revealing spell on it? You might've found that the ingredients were closer to...water than any type of truth serum. Still, the effects would be the same." Lily grinned as Remus began to frown. "You'd have to ask your lover a direct question to receive a response, whether or not you thought he'd be compelled by a potion to answer. That bravery thing we were talking about a while back would have to come into play, one way or the other."

"You're lying," he said. "There's no way that was just water."

Lily shrugged. "Knowing you, you got rid of it so you can't know either way. And you _did_ talk to him, so it's the same difference."

Remus's eyes narrowed. "I ought to spank you."

"I prefer it come from James." Winking, she turned and joined the others at the table.

Remus followed slowly. It was a struggle to keep a sober expression, but seeing the nervousness on Sirius's face, he was forced to keep his own emotions in check. This was a big deal for him, for both of them. James would be understanding because he didn't have a choice. His two friends would live their lives, regardless of how he felt about it, but Remus knew how much it would mean to Sirius if his best friend was fully supportive. He had no doubt how it would turn out even if Sirius felt like he needed a little warning first. It was that thought that inspired the sudden tense knot in his stomach.

It wasn't that he was nervous, exactly. Remus was just worried that this might be the first time the fearless Sirius Black would lose touch with his Gryffindor courage. If he couldn't talk to James after everything that had happened between them, would he lose the courage to continue the relationship at all? As Remus sat next to him at the table, he hoped he'd never have to find out the answer to that question.

"Stop it," Sirius whispered. He put a hand on Remus's thigh under the table. His firm grip was comforting.

"Stop what?"

"Those worrisome little thoughts running through your head. I can see it in your eyes." Sirius smiled. "I'm going to—"

"Care to let us all in on the secret?"

Sirius looked up to find James staring at the two of them from across the table. He moved his hand back to his own lap. Lily smirked behind her glass of water.

"It's...we'll get to it," Sirius responded. He looked around. "I'm going to find the waitress." Before James could ask anything else, Sirius had disappeared across the restaurant.

Seconds later, James turned on Remus. "Out with it. What is happening with Sirius? I know you know."

"He just...wants to tell you something," Remus said. "He'll get to it."

"Get to what?" James asked. He glanced around the table. "Does anyone else know what's going on?"

"Just what the note said," Peter responded. "He wants to talk to us about something important."

"Wouldn't surprise me if he had something of a personal nature to tell you," Lily commented. Remus's instant blush brought a smile to her face. "Didn't he mention he might be seeing someone?"

Sirius came back in time to catch the last part of Lily's statement. Just as she turned to him, a knowing grin on her face, he frowned. "Merlin's sake, woman! You've got to be the nosiest bint this side of Essex. Can nothing be private around you?"

"Sirius!" He sighed at the angry shout from James. "Don't talk to her like that," he said as Sirius sat. "I'm not going to tell you again, if the two of you can't get along—"

"Calm down, James," Lily interrupted. "I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself in an argument, as you well know. I thought you would've realized by now, we like talking to each other this way. Besides," she said as she reached for her water, "I'm not bothered by anything Sirius can come up with. I'm just amazed he's got enough blood flowing to his head these days to form a coherent sentence. I'd congratulate him, but it seems he's already been celebrating his good fortune." She tilted her head to the side and gestured with one hand, drawing James's attention to the bright red marks just visible beneath his friend's collarbone.

James grinned and clapped Sirius on the shoulder. "You haven't told me about this one. Why didn't you invite her here? Is she someone I know?"

Peter laughed from the far side of the table. "You wouldn't believe it if he told you."

Fearing he would be questioned again, a blushing Remus reached for his own water glass and began gulping from it.

"But he won't, not yet," Lily said. "Because he's too much of a coward to be honest with you."

"What is that supposed to mean?" James asked.

"It means your girlfriend better check her cup for poisons _if_ I let her into my house again," Sirius stated. "I'll tell you everything later," he said, turning to James. "For now, trust that she's earning every bit of violence that'll be coming her way."

"Right," Lily said. "I guess the rumors are true. You really are all talk. Unless you're pushed." _From behind_, she mouthed when James wasn't looking. She yelped when Sirius hit her on the hand with a Stinging Hex.

The rest of the lunch passed with relative calm, in spite of the fact that Remus was almost too nervous to eat. More than once, he felt Sirius's eyes on him. When their eyes met, he relaxed and had to force himself not to lean over and plant a kiss on his lips in front of their friends. It was a relief when the waitress bought over their coffee and tea.

James made a show of looking at his watch. "Ready yet, Sirius?"

A grin split the other man's face. "Patience has never been your strong suit. Suppose that's why you tried to get under Lily's robes on your second date."

"Tried?" Peter asked. "The way I heard it he—"

"Respected her privacy and told us nothing," Remus put in. "And even if he did, we wouldn't repeat it."

"Thank you." Lily smiled at him.

"Wouldn't need to repeat it, would we?" Sirius remarked. "He's still got those pictures somewhere." He grinned and took a sip of his tea. "Evans, I had no idea you could bend your legs that way."

Rather than give her usual sharp retort, Lily turned a shade of red to rival her hair. She turned to her boyfriend slowly, her eyes narrowed. "James, I may have to throttle you."

Chuckling, James reached for his coffee. "I don't know what they're talking about and they'll never prove otherwise."

Remus turned to Cara. "On behalf of all of us, I am sorry you have to be exposed to this. They're usually—" He smiled as he thought it over. "Honestly, they're usually worse." Cara laughed; Remus put a hand on her wrist.

"Oh! Don't do that." Cara pulled her left arm back quickly. At the surprised stares she received, she said, "I got a new tattoo the other day. Hasn't healed yet and it still hurts."

"Nice," Sirius said. "You'll have to show it to us."

"One day soon," she responded. Smiling, she pulled the sleeve of her robes down low on her left arm, tucking the ends around her wrist so it wouldn't move again.

"All right," James began, "Since Sirius hasn't seen fit to tell us the reason for this little gathering, I have to be off." He stood from the table. Lily and Remus immediately protested. James shook his head. "I'd love to stay, but Dad's coming down with something and I promised Mum I'd get him to St. Mungo's today, by wandpoint if necessary. Knowing him, it just might come to that." He glanced at Sirius. "Unless you have a reason for me to stay."

Remus turned to his boyfriend. "Any time you're ready."

James looked back and forth between them, his expression a cross between curious and quiet amusement as he watched the interplay between his friends.

"Don't rush me," Sirius said.

"Rush you?" The incredulity in Remus's voice made both Peter and Lily laugh. "This lunch has been like watching paint dry. I'll be lucky if you get to it before James and Lily's third child is born." The bitterness in his tone didn't match the mocking grin he gave Sirius as everyone at the table waited for him to tell James their news.

"You're making too big a deal of this."

"And you're still stalling," Remus countered.

James joined his friends in laughing as he sat down and leaned back in his chair. "Only a few months of living together and you two are acting like an old married couple."

"You don't know the half of it," Sirius remarked.

"Or any of it since you still—" An explosion sounded outside; reverberations rocked the restaurant. Remus stopped speaking abruptly and looked around.

"What—?" Before Lily could complete the thought, a series of explosions sounded in quick succession, each louder than the one before. The windows of the restaurant imploded within the building, spraying the closest diners and drawing screams around the room. Remus drew his wand and stood from his chair. His friends did the same.

"Death Eaters," James said. He grabbed Lily's hand. "Take Cara and go to

Hogwarts. If you hurry, you can get Dumbledore and some of the professors here."

"What?" Lily snatched her hand back and began heading towards the door. "I'm not leaving you. We can fight together."

"James, don't argue with her. We don't have time for it," Sirius said. He looked around the restaurant. The lights around the room had gone out, plunging the dining area into semi-darkness. Scared diners were running around the room, half pushing for the exits onto Diagon Alley, the other half running towards the kitchens. Faint popping sounds could be heard as they Apparated outside. "I think we should head for the street. That's where the explosions started." He glanced around. "Where's Cara?"

"Hopefully, someplace safe," James responded. He grabbed Lily's hand. "Let's go."

When they stepped outside, the scene in front of the restaurant was quite different from earlier in the day. The windows of a number of shops had been broken; sparkling glass littered the street. Several injured witches and witches lay amongst the glass, in doorways, windows and on the street. A few were crying out for help, several were rendered immobile from their injuries; Remus assumed they were dead.

"Where should we—?" His question was answered with a shout from several doors down. Sirius lifted his wand to chest level as he took the lead. The sound of glass crunching beneath their feet was loud in the sudden quiet of the street. The cry sounded again and Sirius took off in a run in that direction, followed quickly by Peter.

A stench began to fill the air; Remus recognized the smell of blood. There was a small crunch in the distance. He motioned to James and Lily. "I think there's someone there," he whispered, pointing to the narrow space between two buildings. "Two people," he added as he picked up on the sound of the other person's heart pounding.

"We should—" James's words were cut off as Sirius screamed for help. Remus took off in the direction of his voice; a bright stream of light from someone's wand just missed him as he ran. He heard James yell out a stunning spell behind him before the pounding in his ears blocked out all sounds.

It took a moment but he finally placed Sirius's scent among the mingling smells along Diagon Alley. All before him had gone quiet again. He heard faint sounds of panting behind him as James and Lily silently fought off the attackers who had been hiding. Remus slowed, letting his nose and ears guide him to the entrance of Knockturn Alley. The street was quiet, dark; the only sound reaching his ears was a muffled moan. He smelled Sirius's blood before he saw him. Something in the shadows moved and Remus sprang forward, lunging for the hooded figure that had just become visible. The person sidestepped his attack easily and aimed at him, his spell just missing as Remus rolled to his right. He jumped to his feet again quickly. "Where is Sirius?" Remus demanded. The figure motioned behind him. Another person stepped from the shadows; Sirius was limp in his arms.

"Trust you to pick up his scent among all the others," the hooded figure said. He laughed. Remus's blood ran cold as he recognized the voice. Regulus pushed the hood back and Vanished the mask from his face; he raised his wand again. "Don't worry, I haven't killed him," he said. "He's far too useful for that. So are you."

"I'm going to kill you," Remus said.

"I don't doubt you'll try," came the response. Sirius began coughing behind him. The smell of his blood was stronger. He spat onto the ground.

"What do you want from us?" His eyes remained on Sirius; he was barely conscious.

"The choice is simple," Regulus began. "Join us or watch everyone you care about die." He smiled. "Beginning with your lover. As much as it would pain Voldemort to lose such a powerful wizard, it would be worth it to persuade you."

"You'd kill your own brother?"

"I would do anything, even die for what I believe in," he responded. "The question is, do you feel the same?"

Remus answered the only way he could at that moment, he raised his wand and attacked Regulus. Before he could discern what was happening, he was surrounded by hooded figures. Spells were being fired from all directions. The air was filled with taunting jeers; screams joined them as he fought back. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the figure carrying Sirius raise his wand to the other man's neck.

"No!" Remus shouted. Then he lost all conscious thought as the change began. His robes fell from his body in tatters and his body almost doubled in size. His human scream turned into a growl of rage as he stalked forward, chasing the person holding Sirius. The others stood in his way, wands raised. He growled again and lunged for the closest person. She cried out as he caught her arm in his mouth. He tore the limb from her body before batting her to the side. He shook off two others before taking off down Knockturn Alley, his every instinct trained on finding Sirius.

He corned the wizard holding Sirius at the end of a dark street. Remus growled. Blood and saliva dripped from his jaws. His tongue ran across his protruding teeth. He dropped to his paws, slowly stalking forward.

The other wizard raised his wand. His hand was shaking. "Stay back or I'll kill him. I'll kill you."

Remus stepped closer, head lowered. His growl was continuous now, a low threatening murmur that grew in intensity as he watched the Death Eater pull Sirius in front of him as a shield. He raised his paw and swiped at the wizard, his growl growing louder as the wizard attempted to step back. His back pressed to the closed door of a shop.

He raised his wand and shouted. A feeble green light emitted from it. A poor attempt at the Homorphus Charm and his last vestige of defense. Remus lunged for him, knocking Sirius to the side as he went for the Death Eater's throat. His jaws closed around it, sinking in until he felt blood flood his mouth; a trickle went down his throat as he lifted the body. Remus swung the wizard around by the throat, not stopping until he no longer heard the heart beating. He dropped the body and knocked it to one side with his paw. Jaws dripping with blood, he turned back to Sirius.

In the space of two heartbeats, he became human again. He rushed to Sirius's side; he cradled the other man's head in his lap. "No...you have to wake up." Remus ran his hand over his face and neck, checking for signs of life. Sirius moaned and then fell quiet. Remus screamed. He scarcely heard the footsteps behind him before he felt Lily's hand on his shoulder, pulling him away. James kneeled down next to Sirius.

"They grabbed him," Remus said, turning to Lily. "I didn't mean to kill him, I—"

He wiped blood from his mouth from the back of his hand. Lily enveloped him in a hug. She was shaking. He heard Lily whisper and felt cool robes cover his body.

"You didn't kill him," James said after the brief examination. "He's lost some blood, but I think he'll be fine. I've done a rudimentary healing spell. That should hold him until we can get him to a Healer."

"We have to get him out of here now," Remus said. "If he's got a head injury or...if I made his injuries worse—"

"I'm fine." They all turned as Sirius whispered. He coughed and turned to spit. There was a faint thread of blood trailing from his mouth. "All right, maybe not fine. But I'm doing a far sight better than that one." He motioned a few feet away, to the mangled body Remus had tossed to the side.

"I'm sorry," Remus said. "I didn't mean to kill anyone."

"You had no choice," James said firmly. There was no censure in his friend's eyes. Remus relaxed slightly. James turned back to Sirius. "Did you see where they took Peter?"

Sirius shook his head. "They attacked us from all directions. I think I heard someone Apparate. There's no telling where they've dragged him."

James frowned. "Aurors have arrested everyone they could find, but there's been no sign of him. He might still be nearby." He stood. "I'm going to look for him and then we'll get you both to St. Mungo's."

"I'm going with you," Lily said. She pulled a pair of wands of her pocket. She handed them both to Remus. He immediately cleaned the blood from his mouth and hands. "We should be back soon, but if anything should happen..." She glanced down at Sirius. She didn't need to finish the sentence. She knew Remus would fight with his last breath to protect him again; he felt the same for all of his friends. She turned and followed James.

Remus turned back to Sirius. He sank to his knees next to him. It hadn't hit him fully before, but as he looked over his lover on the ground, a sense of what he could've lost surrounded him. Warm tears clouded his vision. Sirius let him cry for a moment before taking his hand.

"You did not have to go after them. Even if they said they were going to kill me. I can't believe you did that," Sirius said. "Now they'll know they can get to you through me."

"I lost control," Remus said. "You can't blame me." He reached up to caress Sirius's cheek. "You have to know what it would do to me if something happened to you." He leaned close. "I can't lose you now," he whispered. "You know how I feel about you." A silence settled between them. Remus heard Sirius's heart pick up speed. He licked his lips. Their eyes met.

"You know I feel the same," Sirius said. The corner of his mouth pulled into a smile. At the softly spoken words, the world seemed to melt away around them. Remus blinked hard in surprise but recovered quickly. For the first he could be sure of, he saw what he'd been waiting for when he looked into Sirius's eyes. The confirmation of every instinct he'd had, the reciprocation of every emotion that had been growing between them for months. It was what he'd always wanted, what he'd longed for since the first possibility of something between them presented itself. He began moving closer for a kiss.

Sirius moved his face out of the way at the last second. "No," he said weakly, "You cannot kiss me in public. I draw the line there."

Remus smiled. "Mm, you remember that bet you lost to me a while back? I think I can make you do anything I want. You're lucky I'm limiting it to a kiss."

Sirius frowned. "You're so mean to me."

"You know that's one of the things you love about me," Remus said just before closing the distance between them. He kissed Sirius until he felt the other man relax in his arms and kiss him back. "There's more where that came from, after we get you to St. Mungo's," he said before rejoining their lips.

There was a low shuffling sound behind them. Their friends had returned; Peter was leaning on Lily for support as he limped from his injuries. Remus felt Sirius stiffen beneath him, but refused to release him. Sirius didn't resist; eventaully he relaxed and continued kissing Remus until he was satisfied. Remus finally let him go and turned to his friends.

James looked back and forth between them, his eyes wide with shock at what he'd just witnessed. "How long has this been going on?" he asked, approaching the pair on the ground. "Why didn't—?" He stopped speaking as Lily placed a hand on his arm.

"James, there's nothing to get upset about."

His eyes narrowed. "You knew too? _That's_ why Remus was acting so strangely around you?" He turned back towards his friends. His mouth was drawn down in a deep frown. "Months? You've been…together for months and you never said anything to me?"

"Remus didn't think you'd understand. Personally, I thought you'd get jealous," Sirius whispered. He smiled at his joke. "And look, here you are throwing a fit. Never knew you cared so much."

"You're not funny," James responded. "I can't believe you didn't trust me enough to know that I'd never react like some people." He frowned. "Is that what this whole lunch business was about? You didn't have to put on some big production. You could've just told me. I'm your _friend_. Of all people, you should know I would've understood..." His voice faltered as he motioned between the two of them.

"Not being able to help who you fall for," Sirius finished for him. Remus took his hand and squeezed it.

"At least that's finally out," Peter stated. "I hate keeping a secret from you. I didn't know how much longer I could do it."

James glanced at Peter before shaking his head. "So I am the last to know. I really wish you two had trusted me."

"I'm sorry, truly," Sirius said. "It was my fault. I...couldn't talk about it."

"Still can't, if lunch was any indication," Remus stated. "Can you stand?"

Sirius shook his head. "Side-Along Apparation is going to hurt like hell, but I think it's the only way." Remus nodded and put his arm around him.

"But wait," James said. "All this time you've been friends and this..." He shook his head as he struggled to understand. "This just came out of nowhere. And those stories about you and all those girls at school...?"

Sirius nodded. "Completely true. Every single one."

Remus and James looked at each other for a long moment before both burst out laughing.

"Good to know the attack hasn't affected your sense of humor," Remus said. "Mary MacDonald didn't fancy you so much as she was waiting for Lily to come around."

"She was not!" Lily responded. A blush began high on her cheeks.

"She was," Peter confirmed. He leaned heavily on Lily's shoulder as they prepared to leave. "Why do you think James never wanted to leave you alone with your roommate?"

"If she was half as persuasive as Remus, that last school term would've been far more interestng," Sirius commented. "And that does explain a few things. Tell me, Evans. Still got those tight leather trousers you modeled for her after Christmas?" Laughing at the sudden flush on Lily's face, Remus turned and Apparated Sirius to the hospital.

Sirius's arms came around him as they appeared in front of St. Mungo's Hospital. For the time being, they were alone. The wind whipped high around them. Sirius pulled Remus close to his ear. "I meant it, what I said earlier. You mean so much to me. I..." His final words were lost in the high wind, but Remus caught the meaning of them as his lover pulled him into a kiss.


End file.
